Consuming Darkness: Sebastian Sallow

Chapter 25

-Ronnie-

   I sat in the room that Sebastian had added onto my Room of Requirement. It was so cozy and dark and it felt like Sebastian. Somehow it even smelled like him, probably from all of the books that lined the walls. Sitting in this place without him here, and only the sounds of the crackling fire to keep me company, had me feeling completely gutted. I knew that I had done the right thing in telling him, but that felt like the only right thing that I'd done.

   Tears rolled down my face as I recalled the conversation with Sebastian. I had hoped that it would have gone better than it did. I had somehow justified my actions and the kiss in my head but hearing his pain removed any semblance of a justification that I had given myself. I was a terrible person. The betrayal in his eyes... He had shown up for me so many times these last few months, given all of himself to me. I had held myself back from him. Why?! What was wrong with me?!

   It really came down to the fact that I was scared to show him how much I cared about him. I was scared to admit even to myself how much I cared about him. I had been worried that he would reject me and I would have been left exposed and raw with no way to piece myself together. I didn't feel like I was good for him, or really good enough for him... But that's what I had done to him. He had really been trying with me. He'd been my safe space, and I had taken advantage of that.

   He thought he was a horrible person but I saw past all of that. He was so witty, smart, caring, driven, kind, and willing to do anything for those he cared about. I needed to face this mess that I had made if I wanted it to get better. I needed Sebastian to know that I cared for him just as much as he did for me. I just wish that we had sat down and had a serious conversation before all of this so that I could have really known where his head was at, what he had wanted with me. But I can't be all mad at him for not making that happen. I could have talked to him. If I only could have been vulnerable with him for five seconds then maybe that conversation could have happened. There was just so much hurt that we had caused each other last year, so much that we had tried to sweep under the rug, and it just resulted in causing us further pain.

   I needed to find him, even if it was just for him to know that I wasn't going to run away from this conversation, from him, when things got complicated.

   I went to the common room to see if he was there, maybe he went back to take a shower, or maybe someone had seen him.

    I walked in and saw Imelda, she was still in her uniform and was headed back to our room. She stopped and turned to me when I called her name. She eyed me skeptically, "You okay?"

   I figured I must look ridiculous, still filthy from practice and my face was probably red and puffy from crying. "Have you seen Sebastian?" I asked her.

   "Is he the reason you look like that?" she asked, pointing at my face. She was trying to mask the concern in her voice with disgust, but she was so easy to read. 

   I rolled my eyes in annoyance. "It doesn't matter Imelda!" I snapped. "Have you seen him?"

   "Not since practice," she responded.

   "What about Ominis? Have you seen him?" I wondered frantically. I could maybe at least warn him to stay away from Sebastian until I had a chance to talk to him again.

   "Yeah, I saw him heading towards the Defense Against the Dark Arts Tower when I was headed back here. I stayed behind after practice to get a few runs in to beat your times on the broom," she responded haughtily.

   "Bloody hell," I cursed under my breath. If Sebastian wasn't here he was for sure in the Undercroft. He must have gone there to cool off... or find Ominis. I had to get there before he did something that he would regret.

   "I'll have your time beat by tomorrow, I'm sure of it. Then you won't be able to claim that you are the better flier anymore," she boasted.

   "Doubt it!" I shot back, a little meaner than I'd intended, but I didn't have time to worry about Imelda's feelings. I turned and headed to the Undercroft.