Always been you - Damiano David

96 - feels like everyone does

The tears blurred my vision as I walked through the small city.
I didn't know where to go or what to do. I hated fighting with him.

I bought cigarettes and a lighter with the last cash I had on me and walked until I came to the beach.
The sun was setting into the ocean, but I was in no mood to appreciate the beautiful sunset.
I took my shoes off and sat down by the shoreline. I let the cool saltwater brush against my feet.
As I lit my fifth cigarette the rain started pouring down. I rested my elbows on my knees and buried my face into my arms. I could barely tell apart my tears from the rain pouring down on me.
Just as I felt like the loneliest in the world I felt a hand on my back. At first I shrugged away, but without even looking I realized who it was.
"Olivia" Damiano said. I looked up at him. He dropped down to his knees. He looked very upset and I could see traces of tears in his eyes.
"I'm so sorry" He told me and gently wiped my tears.
"You really hurt me Dam" I told him.
"I know baby" He said. "And I'm infinitely sorry, but you scare me to death when you run off like this, please come home with me and we'll talk" He begged and reached his hand out for me. I didn't say anything, but I accepted his hand and let him help me up.
Just like me he was dripping wet from head to toe. His white shirt had became sheer and laid stuck against his torso.
"Talk then" I said and let go of his hand to carry my shoes as soon as we started walking away from the water.
"I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am.." He started.
"You've already told me" I said. "I'd rather hear why you spoke to me the way you did"
"I don't know, I wish I had a reason, I guess I'm just upset about the pregnancy thing, all the hate, and my management.." He said. We were walking back to the house in the pouring rain.
"You made me feel.." I sighed. "Like you blame me for not being able to give you a baby" Burning tears ran down my cheeks.
"What?! No please don't think that" He said. I could hear tears breaking his voice. "I would never blame you for that"
"You say that" I said.
"No Olivia I'm being serious, I would never blame you" He said. I didn't know what to think, my heart wanted to believe him but my mind was telling me otherwise.
"Then why does it feel like it?" I asked. It wasn't to put him on the spot, I genuinely wanted to know.
"Because I was a fucking idiot" He yelled. "Seeing you hurt yourself like this makes me so sad, and I didn't know how to express that pain so I acted like a fucking idiot"
I was quiet for a moment. I realized that we actually weren't far from the house, I had just been walking in circles.
"Yes you did" I said.
"Is there anything I can do to make it better?" He begged.
"I wanna go back to Rome" I said.
"Okay, we'll go first thing in the morning" He told me.

I laid sleepless that night, at the edge of the bed.
In the morning we drove back to Rome, we didn't talk much during the car ride.

Damiano sighed and looked over at me when he parked the car outside my apartment.
"Are you okay?" He asked.
I nodded.
He reached for my hand and squeezed it three times.
"I love you" He told me.
"I love you" I said, but I avoided his gaze.
He brought my hand up to his face and placed a soft kiss.
"I'll get your bag" He said. I nodded and quickly smiled at him.

I was relieved to be back at home as I stood in the elevator, small towns could make me feel imprisoned.
I saw Vic as soon as I stepped out of the elevator.
"Hey how are you?" I said and approached her.
"Oh now you bother to come home?" She said snappy. I was taken by surprise by her tone.
"Yeah sorry, I had to get out of the city for a few days" I said and walked to my room and dropped my bag.
"You didn't even bother to call me, or god forbid answer my calls" She said.
"I texted you, and then I turned my phone off, I'd never knowingly ignore you" I explained. I heard the tiny little footsteps of Kitty entering the room. I wanted to pick her up and cuddle her but it didn't seem like the best timing since Vic was picking a fight.
"You can't just leave town and turn off your phone, what do you expect me to do?" She said.
"Oh come on Vic, I'm not your mom, I thought you could handle a few days on your own" I sighed.
"Sophia has been calling and texting me, I don't know what she wants, and I'm scared" She told me. "I really needed your help, but you left me with nothing but a fucking text asking if I can take care of your stupid cat"
"I didn't know, I'm sorry, but me and Damiano are going through some personal stuff, we needed to get away" I said.
"Personal stuff? You had a pregnancy scare. So what?! Everyone gets those! You know you always do this when you get back together with Damiano, you stop caring about everyone else, well guess who's here to pick up the pieces when he breaks your heart again" She started yelling at me.
I was quiet as the tears started burning in my eyes. She had no idea how much she was hurting me right now.
"I can't get pregnant" I said. "I'm an anorexic drug addict, so I can't get pregnant"
She looked at me with a shocked expression.
"What?" She said surprised.
"The reason I came home now was because Damiano and I had a huge fight because he blames me for not being able to give him a baby, but so what? Right?" I said and picked up Kitty before I walked out my room and towards the elevator.
"Liv come on, I need my best friend" She said as I entered the elevator and waited for the doors to close.
"I can't fight anymore, I'm exhausted" I said before the doors closed.
I felt like I was losing everyone. Damiano and Victoria are the people that I love the most in the entire world, and now I felt like both of them hated me. I was going through one of the toughest griefs of my life, and I felt like I didn't have anyone. I hugged Kitty tightly and kissed her soft fur.
I didn't know where I was going when I got in my car and had put Kitty in her car cage. I hadn't even been home for ten minutes.
As I started driving I realized there was one person who would never fight with me. Tears blurred my vision as I drove to his place. I tried to dry my cheeks on my way up to his apartment but my tears didn't stop running.
I sniffled and cried as I knocked on his door. A neighbor walked by and gave me a weird look, but I was too sad to care.

"Olivia?" Ethan said surprised when he opened the door.
"Damiano and Victoria hate me" I told him and sniffled.
"What? No I'm sure they don't, come here" He said and pulled me and Kitty in for a hug. I hugged him back and sobbed into his arms.
He held me tight and stroked his hands up and down my back reassuringly.
As I let go of him to wipe my tears I caught a glimpse of a girl in his kitchen. I pushed myself off of him and tried to pull myself together.
"Oh my god, you have company, I'm sorry I'll leave" I said and felt embarrassed.
A beautiful brunette was sitting by the kitchen table in only her underwear and one of Ethans shirts.
"No, no, no I'll leave" She said and got up from the table.
"I'm sorry, it's just not a great time" Ethan said to the girl.
"Don't worry, I get it" She said and rushed to get all of her things.
"I'll call you" Ethan said before she the door closed behind her.

"You didn't have to do that" I said to him after she had left.
"Don't worry about it, come on tell me what happened" He said and led me to his couch.
I sat down with Kitty in my lap.
"I had a pregnancy scare, as you know" I started. The tears were clogging my throat up.
"Yeah" He nodded to show he was listening.
"I took a test, and it was negative" I said. "I thought I would be relieved, but I wasn't, I didn't even want to accept it, so Damiano took me to the doctor"
"Awe, what did the doctor say?" He asked.
"She said that I wasn't pregnant, and I have a very small chance to.." I said but my tears broke my voice. He reached for my hand and squeezed it.
"It's okay" He whispered.
"I can never have a baby" I cried. Just saying it shattered my heart.
"Oh my god" He said shocked and once again hugged me tightly. "I'm so sorry Olivia, I had no idea" He said.

Once I had calmed down I continued telling him what happened.
"Then that photo spread everywhere" I said.

I continued telling him about Damiano and I's getaway, our fight, and what had happened with Vic.
"Oh honey, I'm so sorry, but they don't hate you, no one does" He consoled me.
"It feels like everyone does" I said.

...
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