Not me. (2023)

vent

I don't think you know. I don't think you understand. I mean, how could you? Truly understand? Do you know how it feels? Do you know how it feels to be so alone you want to curl up and cry, and never move again? Do you know how it feels to be so scared all the time, and still feel so distant? What it's like to view the whole world through a pane of glass that muffles every sound? Every cry for help and every offer of it? To reject help because you don't feel you deserve it? Do you know how it feels to struggle to complete the simplest of tasks; to pick apart your every flaw, every mistake, every shortcoming, until you become the monster you see staring in the mirror? Have you felt the guilt of someone smiling at you? Do you know the pain of deceiving someone into liking you, into trusting you, and thrusting them away so violently, to protect yourself? Do you know how it feels to try and understand your motives for every small action? Can you fathom what it's like to sit alone in the bathroom crying to God, why do I feel like this? What did I do wrong? Do you understand how much more painful it is not to be able to cry at all? Do you know what it's like to feel the world slipping away from you? To question people's ability to love you? To question your own ability to love? To wonder if you feel anything at all towards the people you fought so hard to stay alive for? Do you know how that feels? Do you know how it feels to think you're finally getting better? To realize for the past five years, you haven't been able to taste food? Do you know the torment of feeling yourself slipping away again? Do you know what it's like to see into this black well of darkness buried in you? And to have it go unnoticed by everyone around you? Do you know what it's like to become so good at lying, you learn to pretend to be a bad liar? Do you know the utter exhaustion of not being able to sleep at night, and quietly pacing halls in a desperate attempt to lull your frantic mind? Or to sleep so much and still never feel rested? Do you understand the panic of going shopping and being asked to try on a pair of shorts or a T-shirt or tank top you know you absolutely cannot wear? Do you know what it's like to be so observant you easily recognize how to hurt someone the most effectively? Accompanied by the muffled horror of knowing you would use this information in the cruelest way if your secret were ever threatened? Do you know what it's like to intentionally start an argument to punish yourself when you were incapable of causing yourself harm in any other manner? Do you understand how it feels to see people so completely, or to use other people's problems to distract yourself from your own? Do you know what it's like to feel physically ill at the thought of eating, but knowing you must keep up appearances? Do you understand, truly understand, how it feels to be so completely alone and still surrounded by people who consider you to be friends, and knowing you'd consider them the same way if you could only feel? Do you know what it's like to sit in a restaurant and plot a way to bring a knife to the bathroom without anyone noticing? Do you know the temptation of walking down a busy street knowing that a single step could bring you to what you want most in the world, and not being able to take that step? Do you know what it's like to be scared to look people in the eyes, because they might guess the truth? Or to be too scared to breathe out too hard, because you can see the ink leaving your lungs and poisoning the air, and you don't want anyone else to breathe you in, and be poisoned too. Do you how frustrating it is to not be able to explain how you are feeling, or why you are feeling that way? Do you know how much it hurts to tell yourself I can't do this anymore, and keep living? Do you know what it's like to scream night after night in your bedroom ensuring you make no noise? Do you know how hard it is to look at yourself day after day in the mirror, and not recognize yourself? Do you know what it's like, to look back on the words you wrote because you were drowning under their weight, and be unable to connect with their stupid, naïve, hopefulness? Even though back then, even a matter of weeks ago, you thought you were at rock bottom? Because I know what that's like. I know what it's like to hate yourself so much you would wish to die. I know what it's like to be exhausted after a long day of faking smiles at school to have to come home and keep smiling. I know what it's like to have a panic attack at eleven years old in a public bathroom and have to muffle those sobs. I learned way too young how to cry so silently no one would notice. I learned how to hide scars with clothes and smiles, with jokes and fights, stubbornness and anger. I know what it's like to feel so completely alone you might as well be the last person on earth. I know what it's like to feel ignored and alone and lost, for no good reason. I know what it's like to have to suppress this abundance of energy that can't be controlled. I know what it's like to be blamed for everything instantly and without thought the moment something goes wrong. I know what it's like to feel the pain of waking up every day. I've felt the disappointment of waking up after a suicide attempt. I know how it feels to be so consumed by keeping your sadness from spilling onto other people that you snap at them, even though you are usually evenly tempered. I know what it's like to feel an all-consuming rage, a hatred so deep and endless, and not to be able to express it or let any part of it out. I know what it's like to collect scars to validate your own emotions. I know what it's like to be comforted by them. And I know what it's like to be disgusted by them. I know what it's like to be terrified by the thought that someday, someone will see me for who I am. And I know what it's like to be comforted in the same manor. I know what it's like to lose something so very close and precious, it might as well have been a part of you. I know what it's like to rip out a piece of your own heart, and keep breathing. I know the impossibility of getting out of bed in the morning, of standing up, of walking. I know what it's like to go for weeks without brushing your hair. And I have fallen in love with the feeling of a razor on my skin. I know the futileness of trying to quit. I know the temptation of just one more cut. I know the agony of denial. I know the nightmare of relapse. I know how useless being clean feels when it doesn't change how you feel. I know endless days of rainclouds and thunderstorms. I know what it's like to suppress a trigger in a public space, and I know what it's like to fall apart behind closed doors. I know how to get people to perceive you picking yourself up and piecing your life together, while still lying in that same old puddle of blood on the pavement. I know what it's like to make hell feel like home. I know what it's like to learn the monster you were afraid of as a kid never really went away. I know what it's like to realize that you are not a victim, but a villain. I know what it's like to survive. I know what it's like to fight the temptation to tell someone. I know what it's like to never be able to explain yourself. I know what it's like to want to get better so desperately. I know what it's like to want to get worse. I know what it's like to deserve everything bad that happens to you. I know what it's like to wish something bad would happen to you. I know what it's like to feel powerless to change this. I know what it's like to want someone, anyone, to see your struggle and be proud of you for trying so fucking hard. I know what it's like to not be able to explain why you are the way that you are. I know what it's like to give up on trying to find the right words. I know what it's like to feel so much that you begin to feel nothing at all. I know what it's like to blast music so loudly you can't hear your own thoughts. I know what it's like to fail a class. I know what it's like to look someone in the eyes and lie. I know what it's like to struggle so fucking hard to pay attention that you missed every single word. I know what it's like to wake up late and run to the bus because you were too tired to get out of bed on time. I know what it's like to be ridiculed after falling asleep in class. I know what it's like to work so hard only to be picked apart. I know what it's like to pour my soul into my art only for no one to understand it. I know what it's like to never be able to see your friends after school even though you're not grounded. I know what it's like to keep your head down at school and put on a pair of headphones that aren't connected to anything to avoid talking to people. I know what it's like to be bullied and put down. I know what it's like to stand up for myself. I know what it's like to get praise you feel you don't deserve. I know what it's like to be completely alone, and not care at all. Do you?