Not me. (2023)

Please, I'm sorry.

The emotional pain of being constantly abandoned keeps me so scared. It makes it hard to open up, hard to trust, hard to keep.

I am so scared. I've never been this scared.

I don't know how to stop being as scared as I am.

And I know I shouldn't be.

I know that no one I've kept in my life would abandon me, but I can't help but be scared.

I want to run away.

Caring makes me want to run away.

I'm scared to run away.

They don't deserve it.

She doesn't deserve this.

But I don't know how to be better.

I thought that maybe I was better. That I could finally be better. But I'm still so scared.

I've never been scared like this.

I'm scared to be scared like this.

I'm scared of what I'll do.

I'm scared to speak.

I'm scared to keep my distance.

I'm scared to let go.

I'm scared to hold on.

I'm scared to breathe.

Despite what you say, I'm scared to move on.

I'm scared to let go of my pain, because I've let it define me for so long, I don't know who or how to be anything else.

Because if I let it go, will I have to let you go too? Will I have to let her go? My pain?

I'm too scared to move on.

I'm sorry this is in my head. I'm sorry I'm too much of a coward to tell you myself, though I promised I would. Do you see why I would be embarrassed? I think more highly of you than this, it's me that I can't think highly of. I'm so sorry. I don't know how to be sorrier than this.

I'm so sorry.

You didn't feed this; it isn't your fault.

Please don't blame yourself.

And I feel guilty.

Yeah, I do.

You know, maybe I should have said something. Maybe I should have done something to fix myself before all this happened. You know, maybe I know you'll stress out about this, maybe you won't even care. Maybe I couldn't have done anything, I mean, hell, how are you supposed to fight something that's inside your head?

Maybe I'm sorry!

Maybe I'm so sorry all the time! So sorry it stays trapped inside under all the darkness and all of the pain.

Maybe I caused this!

Maybe I'm the problem! Maybe I always have been!!

And I know what you're going to say, I know it, I swear it, but,

I have such a hard time believing it.

It feels so impossible to keep going. Because I was finally happy!

For just a moment I was happy! Actually happy!

And so were you!

And so were you.

How am I supposed to just ruin that? How am I supposed to upend everything?

What, for my feelings?

Because the truth is I always end up like this!

Crying after you've gone, after dark when I can't hold back the tears anymore!

It didn't used to be like this!!

I didn't use to be like this!

Oh my God what has happened to me?

Tell me why?

Why am I incapable of being happy!?!

Please, for just this once, let me be happy.

Please.

Because she makes me happy.

Even when I want to cry.

She makes me happy.

But she's gone, and I'm just so angry!

I'm so mad!

I don't know what to do with all this hatred.

How do i keep it inside?

How am I supposed to protect people from this?

Oh please make it stop PLEASE!

PLEASE!!

What did I do wrong?