Not me. (2023)

Everlasting Wars with Everlasting Enemies

My response to a post someone made to me:

Stranger: "You, random stranger I will never meet. I wish you happiness. Everything's gonna be better!"

Me: "Nothing will ever get better."

Stranger: "yes it will"

Me: "Prove it. I have 5 years of my life fucked the fuck up and its never getting better."

Stranger: "If everything in the universe is constantly changing, why wouldn't you be too? Moments of sadness, anger, even happiness, it all passes by. It's as if you're walking at a crowded place full of emotions, but you can only walk forward. You can look behind and focus on one specifically, but then you'll be missing out on all the other ones, as you squirm your eyes to see the one once so close to you leave most of your eyesight. So distant, you don't even know if it's still there or if you're tricking yourself into thinking that it's still there. So yeah, 5 bad years. Will you make that 6 or look forward and make the most of it? The same slot bad things happen in, good things do too. But there needs to be one to begin with, so create opportunities for it. It's fine if you can't do it at first but just trying is enough. Just remember first newton's law: An object in inertia tends to stay in inertia."

Me: "Okay, I'm sorry, but its not one bad day. I'm depressed. Feelings are temporary. Feelings go away. This doesn't. It hangs on my chest until I can't even breathe. It makes me want to stay in bed all day long and never come out again. It makes me want to collapse on the floor and cry. It makes doing the simplest of things feel so impossible. So, no. Its not temporary. You could never understand unless you've felt it yourself. I didn't understand until now. I still don't understand. I can appreciate the effort you mad here, but you're wrong. Humans can't be explain away by just science. Its more complicated than that. I could take pills meant to balance out my emotions but they won't work. And what caused this? You can't explain that either. Humans are beyond understanding. Don't write it off as just 5 bad years. It feels like those years meant nothing. Like they are just as insignificant. I understand you are trying to minimise the problem, to put it into porportion until its manageable but it just feels so big. So hopeless. I cant remember good things happening anymore. I do for everyone else and i just get shit on. I dont mind it, they're happy right? And i wasn't anyway so its fine it doesn't bother me. Not much does. I'm just saying that even though it seems simple, theres a lot more to it than meets the eye. Even Newton's law is affected simularly. The acceleration of gravity, 9.8 m/s. A change in magnitude, or direction. A change in velocity. External forces acting on it. There can be so much. I have been trying. I always try. Even when trying feels impossible. I do it anyway because thats what i have to do. Everyday i tell myself its not going to get better unless i make an effort. Somedays i dont want it to get better but i try anyway. I spend all day stressed about looking forward. I know thats not what you meant, but looking forward is like that for me. Its an unknown danger. Uncharted waters. Its always crowded in my head. So, yeah. I have days where i want to hate the world. Days where that is so much easier than blaming myself. And i have days where the blame i place on myself is too heavy to carry. I have days where i want to cry and can't force my body to. Because even that small sense of releif escapes me. I have days where i lie to myself because its the only way to get through it without breaking down. I hope you dont take offense to this. I'm just trying to explain. I appericiate the comment, but i dont think you understand what its like in my head."

I get frustrated with people sometimes, but i still dont think im wrong here.