Died enough for You [Joel Hokka FF] (English)

I need a Fix

The time goes by quicker then I had thought and as soon as the first band is on the stage at eleven o'clock it anyway goes much quicker.

While I'm already getting ready for my gig by warming up my voice and playing some tunes on my guitar the six Finns also go back to their bus to slowly start getting ready. As we are nearly finished at the same time with our gig today and therefor get to leave the festival, the boys invited me to dinner as they had probably already planned to go to a restaurant tonight.

About fifteen minutes before my performance I go towards the stage and just as I arrive the band comes down the stairs infront of me. I'd say I'm right on time. I open heartedly greet the people who belong to the festival crew and tell them to the last few instructions like where I want my dj station. As I'm performing without a band I have a bigger dj station on which I can add different notes from the bass guitar or from drums and more sounds and paces to the song

It's one of the things I have in common with Aleksi. As he found out, that I remix myself and even record during my performances he asked me if it would be alright for him to come by earlier already which I obviously said yes to. Aleksi hat seemed very kind in the videos from Blind Channel already and now that I know him personally he definitely fit to the positive thoughts I had before.

"And, you excited already?", it's the voice of the black haired Finn that rips me out of my thoughts. As always there's a smile on his lips which is very contagious. "Excited? Me? Why would you think that?", I answer sarcastically. "Well, then you have approximately another eleven minutes to get excited.", he laughs. "Do you think I can stay during your performance? I would really like to see yoyr entire performance.", his question is pretty silly but I still get happy that he thinks I wouldn't let him stay. "Sure, of course."

His smile gets another bit bigger, even though I didn't really think that was possible. "Three more minutes until the music starts.", a guy from the crew tells me which makes my pulse triple. "Oh great.", I murmur only to myself and keep stepping from one foot to the other. Standing still isn't possible anymore and holding my hands still is extremely hard. "Definitely not excited at all.", the kidding voice of Aleksi makes me look up. "It's always the same. I'm always extremely excited before the gig and as soon as I'm on the stage everything is fine. It's always been that way.", I explain and try to take a deep breath, which only kinda works.

Aleksi notices that I'm not really feeling to well, comes to me and takes me in his arms for a little while. "Just relax. There's no reason to be excited.", he whispers into the embrace and it makes my heartbeat almost go back to normal. We break up the embrace and at the same time Aleksi's blue eyes meet mine. "Would it be better if I leave you alone for the last few minutes?", as mean as I feel with my thoughts, that what Aleksi just said was exactly what I was thinking. "If you don't mind?", I seem unsure but he continues smiling. "Oh, what, no of course not. It's not a problem.", he says and disappeared from the space next to the stairs.

I turn back to the stairs and stare at them. With my right hand I'm holding my microphone and with my left hand I stroke the back of my hand. Not without a reason. On my right hand I have a tattoo in form of a little puzzle piece. In the puzzle piece there's a little moon and underneath the tattoo it says "Shadow Hearts", the name of my band. Even if they aren't here and probably never will be again, the tattoo gives me halt and the feeling that somehow they are still with me when I only look at this memory.

I moved away from them, it was my decision to get out of Germany and I made that choice all on my own. But I still feel them with me and when I am able to achieve magic on stage, even if it's only me, who is standing up there.

Again I ignore my entire surroundings and end up in the bubble that had also surrounded me yesterday already. Normally I burst this bubble myself, but apparently that's not the plan today. "Excited?", it's a warm breath that hits the side of my neck and gives me goose bumps. I slowly turn around and immediately look into Joel's light blue eyes. "You seem so tense, I don't know you like that. Normally you're always so relaxed.", his voice is rough and quiet.