Died enough for You [Joel Hokka FF] (English)

Treat me like a Game

It's another evening that we spend together. After we arrived back in Oulu at half six already today we all decided on a nice relaxing evening at the studio with pizza and a bit of music.

Since the conversation with Keno yesterday I couldn't really sleep during the night and even now I still don't show any signs of tiredness so I have a feeling this night's also going to be a short one.

While we eat our pizza Olli comes to a subject that I totally forgot about. "Aleksi, how and when are you actually celebrating your birthday.", he asks and then bites into his pizza enjoying it. Aleksi quickly swallows his piece and drinks a sup before he can answer: "Well, the room in the karaoke bar is booked already. I was planning to celebrate into my birthday if that's alright for all of you. We would meet at the bar at about ten and then see how long it goes on for." – "So actually exactly like we had planned it already.", Niko responds to which Aleksi nods.

I look at the Finn with the black hair a little questioningly who immediately realises and runs through his hair. "True, you weren't with us at that time. We already talked about it at Joel's and Joonas' party. You're obviously also invited if you don't have anything else planned.", he remarks to which I nod appreciating it. "Of course I'll be there. What do you think of me?", I immediately accept his invitation which makes the Finn grin. "It would be very sad if you missed the 18th birthday of a friend. You can't decline that.", Joel jokes and looks at Aleksi amusingly who just looks back at him with a gaze that says 'You're kidding me'.

Normally I would have laughed about this comment like the others are doing aswell but I just don't feel like laughing. It's not that I don't think the comment is funny, but rather the person that said it. If the words would have come from any other person, except for the singer that is currently tying his long blond hair into a messy bun, I would have reacted differently.

I try to put a smile on my lips, to just laugh along, so my mood isn't too obvious but for me this laugh just seems more than just fake. I can't even believe myself that I think this situation is funny because I know on the inside that the person who allowed himself to tell the joke, has allowed way too much already and he doesn't notice it himself through.

"And how's it lookin' with your birthday, Olli?", Aleksi tears me out of my thoughts and looks over to the bass player who is sitting next to me. "Probably just something easy at my place. I didn't really plan anything special. A relaxing evening with snacks, music and so on.", he explains and takes the last bite of his pizza. "Perfect, then we have that planned aswell.", Niko is happy, takes out his phone and starts typing something. "Are you writing yourself reminders for the birthdays?", Joonas asks rhetorically as he is looking right at the screen of Niko's phone. "When did I allow you to look at my phone?", Niko asks pretending to be annoyed and turns his phone away from the guitar player. "I think that happened the moment we got to know eachother.", Joonas thinks out loud and says it very dryly. "Maybe I should have thought about it before I did that...", Niko mumbles to himself which makes laughter erupt in the room again, this time I can laugh with them though. Very natural, without any pressure.

These moments always make me think. So many voices are running through my head in this moment that I would just love to chase them away, bur them or drown them. No matter what, I'd do it just so I don't have to hear them any longer. Most of the time it's words or sentences from people that have been printed in my brain and are just waiting for moments like these to reappear.

Sentences from Keno, Joonas and even Joel himself create a chaos in my head again, that haven't disappeared once since the beginning of the chaos. Even if it's questionable how they do it they create even more chaos and when I think that everything is back to normal again they hit again.

Even a constructive thought, that's always shown in cartoons with a good and a bad side, for example with an angel on the one shoulder and a devil on the other, doesn't work anymore. The chaos has become so huge that there's no difference between the arguments that are for and the ones that are against Joel anymore.