Died enough for You [Joel Hokka FF] (English)

I'm done with You

There are always those nights when you want nothing more than to sleep, and preferably until all your problems magically disappear. But it's also exactly those nights where you just don't get tired.

You try everything, really everything, to fall asleep. Lie down in every possible sleeping position, contort yourself to the extreme, start counting sheep, elephants or pink dinosaurs with dragon wings and unicorns, or create your own meditation program in your head that you go through what feels like 1000 times. But nothing helps. At this point, the body refuses to go to sleep.

For what feels like the 50,000 time I turn around in bed and turn my pillow to the cooler side. As time goes by not being able to fall asleep, so does the patience to even wait for sleep and for a person with close to -100 patience, that's, shall we say, impractical.

I've been trying to fall asleep for almost three hours now, and to be completely honest, I'm at the end of my nerves and just want to scream. However, considering that it's already two o'clock and I have neighbours aswell as an apartment below and above me, where people probably don't want to be woken up by a desperate scream, that is probably a bad idea.

Annoyed, I give up my attempts to fall asleep, tear my eyes wide open and stare at the wall for a brief moment. Since talking to Keno I've felt a little better, if you can put it that way. Of course, I had to start by explaining how the evening went after the last call and then what happened in the morning or at noon. Somehow he managed to find the right words to lighten the chaos in my head a little. Even though I'm still not sure why everything in my body goes so crazy when Joel is around me and why I just can't stay strong with him and not fall apart just because he looks me in the eye.

But what I do know now is that he's right about one thing. I need to get my head around this mess. I have to be honest with myself and don't fool myself anymore, but how can I do something like that if I don't even know what I'm fooling myself about. When I don't know which of the feelings are real and which are just wanted by me or him, but actually not real.

And how do you manage to figure that out? How do you find out? Do I need time to myself, or do I need to be more open minded and spend more time with the person making the mess. It is questions like those that now drown out the chaos. Questions that shoot through my head and make a different kind of mess.

But no matter what I have to do to answer these questions, I know two things that always help me organize my thoughts. Two things that manage to be better than any therapy and always have been. Music and sports. Just go out and clear my head by jogging or just working out. I'll be honest, I hate jogging, it's just boring and people give you stupid looks. Well, at least in Germany I have had this experience. This situation has not happened in Finland and will not happen at the moment.

The time doesn't bother me, I mean, I didn't get the stage name "Moon" in our band for nothing, but when I consider the temperature outside and realize that I will probably come back in to apartment as a lump of ice rather than sweaty, I dismiss the notion of exercise therapy and grab my phone to open Spotify.

A lot of new songs have been released lately, and I haven't actually listened to them all yet. I created a playlist with the new releases suggested to me so that I can still listen to the songs at some point and when would be a better time than now to catch up.

Just as I open Spotify, I'm immediately greeted by a new release. The Jim Yosef song "In Our Blood" appears to have been released at midnight tonight, so I'll give that a listen right away and then queue up my playlist.

These songs alone show me what a crazy taste in music I have. We go from EDM to Lost Society, I already know some of their songs from the new album through the guys, to EDM again and then via a ballad, to Måneskin. Then to two songs by Joshua Bassett and again to a sort of ballad by Lexi Jayde. So as you can see it's a very interesting mix.