Died enough for You [Joel Hokka FF] (English)

Old Dogs don't learn new Tricks

I somehow manage to awaken from being frozen due to the shock and during the first song I still walk up towards the stage standing close to it and like Aleksi just did, I totally feel their music running through my veins.

I have wanted to see them live for quite a while now, especially because so much has changed since 2016, and you can really see it in their performances. They have become a lot more professional and manage to excite their audience within seconds. Many things, that I can still look at and hope to copy myself.

But this concert also goes by way too fast and therefor the forty-five minutes go by as if it were only a blink of an eye and the six boys come back down from the stage.

With loud yells of joy and partying they come jogging down the stairs and go to their cans of beer, which they brought here before their performance. "Wohoo! That was nice!", Joonas yells in a partying mood and lifts up his can to cheers.

When I look at the boys, how they take their cans one after the other and stand in a circle with Joonas, I have to smile. I only notice now how much I missed partying with my boys like that, too, and the party starting right after the gigs. Performances were the adrenaline kicks that started those parties. My gaze goes to the floor and a few small tears start running down my cheeks. Those memories hurt, more than they did before, because I know exactly, that it can't ever be the way it was, there's not a chance at all that it will ever be like that again.

While I try to stop crying someone holds a can of beer infront of me. I lift my gaze and look into Olli's blue eyes. The bass player kindly smiles at me. "Come on. You have to cheers with us!", he points to the others who are all standing in a circle but it has a free space. A space that is exactly the size for two people to fit in. Olli and me. Even if the memories still hurt I have to smile.

Olli's arm lays on my back, we walk to the others and close the space. We all cheers at the same time and take a good sip of the cold beer. From the side an arm lays on my shoulder to which I look up at the tall Finn next to me. His short brown hair are totally messed up and a fee little droplets of sweat are on his forehead.

His gaze also meets mine. "Do you really think we'd just let you stand back there all on your own and not let you join us?", his question is obviously a rhetorical one which makes my smile grow even more.

Even if nothing can go back to the way it was I can find new friends here, that are actually old friends. Friends, that I banned from my life, I wanted to forget. And even though I get along really well with them, I know that some things will always stay the way they are. Things, that just can't get out of my head, so I can never start new. That's exactly what I tried to do by moving here. Leave my past in the past and only think of the future, but life is not that easy. That what happened is always gonna stay in my head, what happened to me left so many scars that won't ever heal and what I swore myself is gonna guide me, because changing old habits from a person is hard to nearly not possible at all. If you've lived your entire life like that you can't change it. People don't change that quickly and I felt exactly that myself and noticed that about others in the last two days.

After some time we are asked to get out of the backstage area, which we immediately do. We anyway wanted to be sitting in a restaurant and have a comfortable dinner there. Even though I can't really imagine how it's gonna be to eat in a restaurant with six slightly drunk boys. The fact that it's six chaotic and crazy violent pop singers adds to that. That can't possibly work.

A further time it shows, that I spend way too much time in my thoughts and that it happens way too often, as I feel a grip at my upper arm. I get separated from the boys and it doesn't even take a few seconds until my back meets a wall.