Died enough for You [Joel Hokka FF] (English)

I'm getting out

It's the minimal touch of his lips with mine that makes me freeze. The touch doesn't even last a second and yet it manages to stretch me to his lips to make the touch stronger. But it is precisely this movement that Joel does not allow. The moment I want to put my lips to his, he leaves my path.

A distance Is created between us again, our warm breaths no longer mix and a cool air settles between our faces. Carefully, I open my eyes to look into those of Joel.

Only in a minimal movement, he shakes his head slowly. "hm – mh.", he denies my action and clarifies his shaking of his head. "Do you really think I'm going to let you kiss me? That's enough for me as an answer. If you hated me, you wouldn't have tried to kiss me.", he whispers, his gaze still hanging on my eyes.

"You can't know what I'm feeling. No one can know it except for me. All you do is manipulate me. You bend everything the way you want it. Of course, things will bend the way you want them to, if you just use enough force.", I know that the words are more desperation than defence, but at this moment, I can't get anything else over my lips.

Within moments, Joel manages to completely confuse my feelings. Rearranging my thoughts to be his. He manages to make me feel so much hate, but at the same time to soothe it and I don't know how he does it. He plays with my feelings like a cat with a ball of yarn. Everything about him drives me crazy. His voice when it's as quiet and raspy as it is right now, his bright shining blue eyes, his smell that's always in my nostrils when he even enters the same room and his breath when it hits my skin.

He slowly leans closer to my ear again. Automatically, I tilt my head to the side and you could say I do so to expose my neck to him.

As his breath touches my sensitive spot again, I close my eyes and wait for his hoarse voice to sound one more time. "You don't really think that, do you? Do you really think you can bend things to the way you want them to be? Sure, forks, spoons or bars can be bent, but people? Everyone has their own will and can use it to defeat others. You only change yourself when you doubt your own opinion. Only when you are not quite sure about your own opinion do you start to bend. You are only vulnerable then. So if you were 100% convinced that you hated me, you wouldn't bow down." His voice pierces my head and as much as I try to banish it from my thoughts, it gets stuck. It wreaks havoc in my already completely confused thoughts.

His breath slowly travels from my ear down to my throat. The thin ends of his hair, which hang down his face, brush lightly down my neck. When his breath and tickling spikes reach that one spot on my neck, they give me goose bumps. With every single breath, the warm breath lands on my neck, which I reveal to him directly. In no way do I resist his actions. The only thing I'm trying to control is my breath.

Every time his breath brushes my throat, I inhale to keep from sighing. It's the moment when I stop resisting in any way and just try to control my breathing. All of a sudden I don't care. I don't care that I'm lying in Joel's bed, he's leaning over me, my hands pressed to the mattress over my head, although not as hard anymore. His naked upper body, which slowly loses its tension and sinks closer and closer to me.

Due to the growing intensity of his breath I notice how he is coming closer and closer. The tip of his nose carefully touches the back of my neck and just a few moments later his upper lip runs up and down over my sensitive spot. Quickly but still hesitantly he breathes out heavily. "Why are you doing that to yourself?", his voice is broken and his breathing Is flat as if he himself was keeping himself from doing something. As if he is hiding himself back from doing something he actually wants to do.

It's only a few moments in which his lips are so close to my neck until he creates distance again and I, after a short moment of hesitation and realisation of what just happened not moving a single bit, manage to lift my gaze towards him again.