Died enough for You [Joel Hokka FF] (English)

I get Fucked up

His turquoise eyes stare at me. "And..?", again he doesn't manage to speak in full sentences. "Yes, it's shit. Keno, that's exactly what I didn't want! I promised myself I'd start new and not think about the past anymore.", I quickly burry my face in my hands.

Keno is the first person I told about it and it feels good. I finally have someone that I can talk to about everything. I knew that I'd tell him, we have always been friends and neighbours, we'll we were until I moved away.

"Lia, why don't you leave it then? You will also find other friends. Tell them you won't come and leave him in your past.", his voice is understanding but his words don't help a lot. "I can't do that. I've been looking for people to hang out with for a month. My neighbours are either a lot older then me or not really nice people. The boys accepted me from the beginning again, they even brought me breakfast to my car this morning. It just wouldn't be fair for the others if I didn't hang out with them just because of Joel.", I explain the conflict I have with myself.

Keno nods in understanding as I look back onto the screen. "But you've done it bef-", he doesn't get any further because I interrupt him: "You know exactly that it wasn't just because of one person. It was the town, the city. Covid and so much more. Here, it would really only be Joel." – "And now?", his voice is calm. He still understands where I'm coming from. "I don't know. I just want to be happy for once. One time.", slowly I feel tears coming and burry my face in my hands again.

I hear Keno breathing through the camera and I immediately wish nothing more than to lie in his arms and feel his closeness. Something, I haven't ever felt before. Homesick, I miss my best friend. "And you can't do that when you're with him?", at his words I look back up again. "You know what I swore myself.", my voice shivers. "And there's no way of changing any of it? Six years have past maybe he's...", I interrupt him again: "No, he hasn't changed. He's playing his games."

The phone call goes on for another few minutes until I realise that I should probably start getting ready soon. Keno wishes me to have fun and tells me that I can call him whenever I need to.

I get changed quickly and change my stage-outfit to a pair of black jeans and a red t-shirt. I put on a black band hoodie on over it. I leave my hair down and change the makeup from my performance to a nude, natural look which is barely even visible.

I get in my car on which I decided after a while of thinking. Because of that I would have a reason for not drinking too much and wouldn't have a hangover tomorrow morning. Just as I'm about to type the address of the restaurant into my navigation system the one thought that I didn't want to have comes up. I have no idea where the restaurant is.

Unwillingly I take out my phone and open up WhatsApp. Before I go onto his chat I hesitate for a moment but then give up. It was my only chance of getting to the boys.

I drive off at exactly twenty to six and arrive at the restaurant at eight minutes to six, which is too early. I park my car at a parking lot nearby and get out of my car. The coldness comes over me which makes me snuggle into my jacket even more and stand infront of the entrance.

First Tommi arrives who seemingly took a cab with Olli. The two of them greet me with a hug and we start chatting. The next one to arrive is Aleksi and after getting out of a cab aswell he runs his hand through his black hair and then walks over towards us. Another cab drives up infront of us and I slowly regret my decision of coming here by car because when all the others are coming by cab I have a pretty good assumption of how this night is gonna end.

Joel and Joonas get out of the third cab. The two blond Finns are already laughing when they come walking towards us in lockstep but stop as soon as they get to us. Whilst all the boys are actually wearing a jumper and a jacket Joel is just standing infront of us with his white hoodie and obviously doesn't act like he feels cold at all.