Died enough for You [Joel Hokka FF] (English)

20 - And it's You who is Sad

For a few moments there's silence. My gaze goes to Joel for a short time who's gaze is pointed at the water. Then look back into the distance myself. "I don't know.", his voice is still very quiet. It's a tone in his voice that I'm not used to from him, a tone that creates goosebumps on my skin. "It's just that I actually wanted to keep my distance, just not be confronted with that subject for a while and then Joonas comes up with the idea that destroys all my plans. I had been so excited for Helsinki." - "And you can't do that when I'm there, too?", it hurts to ask that question because I know how hard this situation is to him by the way he expresses himself.

"The thing is...", Joel begins his sentence, but then breaks it off to take another deep breath. During this pause, I can't hold back and start to speak: "I feel the same way. Ever since I got home, I've just wanted to be alone. That's why I isolated myself from everything and then Joonas suddenly appeared at my door and said he would take me to your studio. His idea also destroyed my plans. I don't know exactly whether I did want."

There is silence again and for a few moments I just listen to the sound of the waves. Joel briefly glances at me, but I don't dare turn my head to him. The fear of looking into his eyes is too great. He tilts his head back just a little and looks up at the cloudy sky.

He breathes in deeply and exhales again. "I am so incredibly sorry. This whole day just sucked and I honestly don't know what came over me. The last thing I wanted and want is to hurt you, to hold you against your will or to pressure you in any way. Actually everything I did the day before yesterday goes against my principles. And I can understand one hundred percent if you hate me even more now, because I hate myself for it." He almost scares me with his words because I notice how emotional he gets with these words and how difficult it is for him "It's hard to say it. Then we're two. Everything I do goes against my principles and every moment I spend with you guys does, too."

Joel's eyes wander to me, a little confused, but again I only react to them with words. "You wouldn't believe how much I would have liked to just move on when Niko approached me at the festival. The fact that I stopped already broke all my principles." - Why is that?", his question is short and only interrupting my explanation for a tiny second. I never wanted to see you again. Not just you. Actually, none of you. I thought it would be better for me if I never came into contact with you again, because if that happened, I would have to meet you again. But it's not just that. It's every second that I think about one of you that I just stop paying attention to my principles. I stopped listening to them and am trying to live my life differently. The way it happens. Whatever happens, happens and if Joonas comes up with the stupid idea of ​​taking me to Helsinki, I'll wait for your decision and let it happen to me."

My gaze now shifts to Joel, who is now looking at the water again. "Why 'thought'?", at first I don't understand what he means by his question, until I notice that he is questioning the past tense. Because I changed my mind. Maybe many people think that they are happier alone, but no one can explain to me that you can really be happy alone. Everyone needs friends and if I'm beimg honest, I don't have any other friends except for you. So maybe it's better to be around people, even if there are people you actually want to move away from and the last thing you want to do is spend time with that person. However, it may be exactly that time that you need to become clear about your own thoughts and feelings."

I take a short breath in which I inhale a deep breath. "And you don't have to apologise. I'm as responsible for the chaos as you are. Like, you are right in some way. There's this huge chaos of thoughts inside of me and I have to become clear about what it means. But I'll only be able to do that if I spend time with you. That's probably why I came here in the first place and helped look for you. All I need is clarity and only then can I manage to be completely and utterly support my opinion.", I answer to his apology.