Died enough for You [Joel Hokka FF] (English)

Go tell your Mama

For about half an hour I've been sitting in my studio and I'm done. Not done as in with the song and the video – no – the exact opposite. I'm done with my nerves. No matter how much I tried and how often I tried to get new motivation I don't manage to work on anything for the song. My thoughts are somewhere else and I keep catching myself staring at a wall and somewhere completely different.

Nothing works, neither the finishing touches nor the cutting of the music video. My head blocks out everything. Nothing goes in or out. Only the thoughts flying around in my head anyway are there and creating chaos.

My gaze is stuck at the clock. I follow the hands and see the time I have to finish the song vanish. On the one hand the time goes by very fast but on the other hand every second also feels like an hour. The feeling that I'm living with at the moment is probably one of the most unpleasant ones there is. On the one hand I want to be productive because I know that doing exactly what I want to do will help me out of this situation. It's my therapy that I need and I know that but at the same time the unmotivation is also in the room and doesn't let me be productive.

No matter what I try, if it's plucking at the guitar-strings or a playing a few piano keys, nothing helps me become productive. I'm lost too deep in my thoughts, thoughts about that one person who actually isn't worth all of this time. But I can't fight against all this chaos in my body. I'm sitting on the desk chair as if I'm a stone and find myself staring at the clock again.

I stroke my hands over my eyes harshly to bring my gaze to something else. I have to wake myself and somehow force myself to do something other than just think the entire time. Otherwise I will still be sitting here tomorrow morning and notice how the sun is rising when I go out of the studio.

Since the last time I worked all through the night I bought a clock for my studio which means it's rather unlikely that I will work through the entire night again, but it's not completely impossible. Unfortunately.

But I somehow manage to lift up out of the chair, get myself another beer and my phone, which is actually still in my coat pocket. I open the beer quickly and then grab my phone on which I definitely have way too many messages for the thirty to forty-five minutes I didn't look at it.

Multiple calls and messages. I immediately ignore the calls because I know exactly who they are from. I also ignores chat on WhatsApp and only interact with the others. I answer Keno's message first. Then I read the message from Olli who wrote to me about thirty minutes ago that he also arrived at home. When I tap onto the chat from Joonas I regret the decision immediately.

If I'm really unlucky and he's also online at the moment and sees that I read his message and is still at the studio with Joel aswell, I really screwed up. And as one should know that I'm actually as good as never lucky, after a few seconds of regret the little 'online' appears under his name. "Shit.", I curse and then think about what I can reply.

'Is everything alright, Hilja?' – 'Did you get home alright?' – 'Please talk with Joel.' – 'He's worried about you.' – 'Answer me if you're read this.', I read the messages a couple of times in my head from top to bottom. I let my head fall back against the wall and slowly let myself sink down said wall until I'm squatting on the floor.

I put the bottle down next to me on the floor and run my slightly cool hands through my hair. I have my eyes closed for a short moment and hope that something I can answer the guitar player comes to my mind.

'Got home well.' Is the best answer that I can think of which I also send off then. Not even a second later two blue ticks appear at the bottom of my message and I realise that I can't answer everything Joonas will write with this single reply. It doesn't take long until the next message appears on the screen. 'Are you alright? I was a little scared when you stormed out of here like that.' – 'Don't worry, I walked with Olli and Aleksi. No car that wanted to hit me.', I answer and hope that the conversation will stay at this level.