Died enough for You [Joel Hokka FF] (English)

All Men are the Same

I nearly don't want to listen to what my sister wants to say. I'm too scared of the words that I fear; of that, what I'm thinking myself already. Buy I still give my sister the confidence to say what she's thinking: "Just say it, Félicité.". It doesn't take long until her voice sounds again. "I know that it's hard to judge because we only just found out about this now, Hilja. And seeing you this destroyed, believe me, is one of the worst things for the both of us. But what I really want to ask you is if you really want that? Remember, you moved away to get a new beginning. You never wanted to think about all the stuff that has happened ever again and now you're sitting here and all your thoughts are exactly in those moments.", her voice manages to make me despair even more.

I lift my head from my hands again and look up at the screen. "Do you really think I don't know that? I never wanted to get to know them or see them ever again or what ever. But I can't change that anymore now. If it weren't for Joel I'd know exactly what I would do. I found such great friends in the five boys, friends, that I need. It's just Joel that creates problems for me and I don't know what is happening in my body. Every second that I spend with him just confuses me more and more. At the moment I think I should hate him, just because of his statement he made." – "But...", it's my mother's voice that interrupts me.

I breathe out exhausted and look up at the ceiling again. I know exactly how my family feels about Joel. He is the person that broke me, the reason I cried for a really long time. The reason that there was nothing you could even do with me. My family is quite harsh and stubborn in this regard. If someone did something bad to either of us, that person doesn't deserve to get any attention.

"But at the same time I don't manage to be angry. It just doesn't work. Something is blocking me and I just don't manage to do what I want to do.", I say out loud and hope for a reasonable answer. "He's manipulating you, Hilja. He's playing his games with you. If you can't do whatever you want to do, it has nothing to do with you." – "That's exactly what I thought, too. Until he told me the exact opposite of that. That you can't manipulate people, people can only bend themselves. But they also only do that when they're not totally and completely their opinion. He is right in some way, isn't he? I mean, if I were a hundred percent sure of my opinion that he wants to manipulate me, is still the same and I hate him, I wouldn't be in this situation. I would still hate him. No matter what he would do. I wouldn't have kissed him, wouldn't have fallen asleep in his bed and never would have let him come so close.", it's nearly exactly his words that I speak out loud that force me to think.

There's a short period of silence. I look back at Félicité and my mum who also look like they're thinking about those words. It's my older sister again that swipes a strand of her brown-blond hair out of her face and then begins to talk: "You have to understand that all men are the same. No matter who, if it's someone from the village or the Finnish rock star." – "Also Aaron?", I ask about my sister's boyfriend because I hate the sentence 'all ... are the same'. There's always exceptions. "Yes, even Aaron. Men don't necessarily work a lot with their head. They don't understand what they feel for someone for a long time, until they loose them. Look at you, you turned into a stunning young lady since you saw eachother last. Joel let you down and now he sees what he lost. Obviously he's trying to get you back now, but if he tries to do that with manipulation he's doing it completely wrong. That just shows that he hasn't changed. Please don't fall for is tricks again and stay strong in your opinion.", she ends her sermon and looks into the camera with her blue eyes.

"Did you actually see him before?", I actually only ask for myself but I said it too loud and Félicité answers directly: "Yeah, I have, I saw him about two months ago at the concert.", true, there was something, "When are you seeing him again?", she continues asking. "Monday. Evening. At Aleksi's Birthday.", I explain quickly. "Okay. What are you going to do?" – "We're celebrating into Aleksi's birthday. With a karaoke-evening. If I understood it correctly we'll also all be sleeping over at Aleksi's. It will probably go on pretty late.", I continue answering her questions.