Died enough for You [Joel Hokka FF] (English)

10 - Don't cry for This

"What do you think about coming to Finland sometime? Then you can meet up with Hilja again and we would also meet in person.". At that suggestion Keno starts to smile. "I have actually thought of doing that myself but my girlfriend has a few problems at the moment and then I don't want to leave her in Germany alone whilst I'm in Finland. But I will certainly come to Finland at some stage.", he answers. "And then we'll do a guitar duel again!", Joonas expresses happily and before anyone can react Keno answers, "Yeah, exactly. Then the revenge comes!"

I quickly exchange glances with the other boys who say exactly the same as I'm thinking: "Please don't! We don't really feel like fishing you out of a ditch again and therefor nearly miss our gig!", I speak our thoughts out loud. "We weren't that drunk.", Keno informs but this time Joel interrupts him: "Oh, yes, you were.". "That's not true!", Joonas truest to defend himself but we are all of opposite belief.

The phone call still goes on a little bit until Keno says goodbye to go back to his girlfriend. "Well then, let's start with the music.", I say and go to the computer with Aleksi.

He starts playing the first sounds and looks at me with his bright blue eyes while he is bobbing his head to the beat. The smile on his lips shows me that he really likes that idea and the boys at the back also don't seem to be unimpressed.

As the last sounds go quiet Niko cones to us at the monitor and places his hand on my shoulder. "And you did that yesterday?", he asks a little surprised. "To be honest I had the very first idea back in 2016 already, that's how I already had a few thing, but I had totally forgotten about that project and then all of a sudden I played that melody again yesterday. Then I decided to sit down and work on it again.", I explain. Niko nods in agreement. "2016 before or after the Wacken?" – "After. I then added the violin part yesterday. It supports the guitar in a few melodies but also plays a few on it's own.", I explain and point to a line which Aleksi plays on it's own. Then he plays the line again with the guitar together. "True, there's only a few differences.", Joel notices and joins us at the table aswell.

I open up my little song-book and look for the lyrics that I had written down as idea. "I also recorded some ideas for the lyrics but that was also back in 2016. They are in the other folder. You don't have to open t up now.", I explain and show Niko my ideas.

He only reads through them for a little bit and I notice that he either loves it or thinks it's weird due to his slightly wider opened eyes. Due to his smile I know it's the first one. "That's amazing. I would love to hear the recordings if that's alright for you.", he asks to which I nod hesitantly.

While I explain to Aleksi how to get to the right folder my thoughts go to the lyrics. I know that one person in the room will understand the lyrics differently. And that makes me nervous. There's too many details that one person from the boys knows, details, that keep destroying me.

It couldn't have come any different then exactly that person noticing I'm taking my time and hesitating. "Is everything alright with you?", he asks with a quiet and known raspy voice. Carefully a hand gets placed on my back which I immediately move away from by unnoticeably standing up extremely straight overstretching my back as much as possible. I don't answer his question because I don't think it's necessary right now. The way I feel is nine of his business. He didn't take care of it so why would he do it now?

Aleksi, who has already opened the vocals and gas everything set up properly to play those with the recorded music, looks to me and waits for my 'ok'. I smile and nod which we both understand as an 'ok' to which he plays the music. With the start of the melody the memories come back already which I actually wanted to get rid of and never wanted to think about again.

"I like the broken sound in your voice, it makes it feel like you're about to cry. How did you manage that?", Niko asks. I have to try not laugh. If he only knew that I actually did cry my eyeballs out while recording the song, I don't think he'd be that impressed. "To be honest I don't actually really know. It was just there.", I lie and let him continue thinking it just sounds that way.