Died enough for You [Joel Hokka FF] (English)

To the Moon and Back

Pov. Joel

I've been plucking at my guitar all morning. After Hilja stormed out of the apartment yesterday afternoon and brought me back to reality with a black eye, I saw through the window how Joonas drove the German singer away in his car.

Since that moment, there has been total silence in my apartment. I don't do much myself, lie in bed or pluck, like I did on my guitar.

I don't know what I'm waiting for, but I'm doing it. All the time I feel like I'm waiting for something that makes me feel something. Something that brings a real noise into the apartment and my voice to sound again. There was no reason, so why should I say anything?

But the silence I've just considered is suddenly broken by the doorbell of my apartment. With an annoyed groan I put the guitar down next to me, quickly grab a hoodie that's still on the armrest of the couch and start putting it on as I walk to the door.

I haven't pulled it all the way over my head when I turn the handle and open the door. "You can leave your hoodie off if you like. It's just me.", Joonas is now standing directly across from me, whose voice has a severe undertone.

I make room for him to enter and then close the door behind him. While he's already on his way to the couch, I quickly pull my hood over my hoodie and arrange my hair in a way that it covers my black eye as best as possible. Whatever he found out from Hilja, he doesn't necessarily have to know about the black eye.

As I turn around, I see Joonas turn to me and cross his arms over his chest. "Woah. Not in a good mood today, Porko?", I let a funny undertone infuse my comment. He remains silent staring at me. "Okaay, not in the mood to talk today.", I remark, sitting down on the couch.

But instead of sitting down next to me on the couch, he just stands there and just turns to me in silence. "Do you want anything from me?", I begin to hesitate, hoping he's not here for the thing I'm cursing myself for.

In the next few seconds there is a constant exchange of glances between me and the blond curly hair. His light blue eyes meet mine, it's at that moment that my voice breaks because everything indicates that he wants to address what I would like to suppress and never mention again. It's written in his eyes like a flash, he tells me exactly what he wants to say to me with a single glance. He doesn't need words, a tone or a hand signal to throw his reproaches, questions and accusations at me. Just this look alone manages to make me swallow and just get scared of his following sentences.

And even if we stare into eachother's eyes for a few more moments he begins to lose patience after those few seconds and speaks up: "You know, actually I was going to wait for you to start speaking. In fact, I wanted to give you the chance to explain yourself from the start, but if you remain silent." I have to swallow again. "What do you mean?", those are words that I only use very quietly and to be honest I'm a little scared to get them out of my mouth. Joonas lets out a short laugh. "Think about it."

I reluctantly state the reason Joonas is here and although I've known that from the moment he walked into my apartment, I've been trying to get it out of my head, trying to convince myself that he's here because of something else, but over time you can't banish your thoughts. There is a time where you have to confront them and that time is now. "Hilja?", I deliberately phrase my answer as a question just to keep hope that something else is at stake.

"Nah, it's about the squirrel I met while shopping the other day. Of course it's about Hilja, Joel! What were you thinking?!", the other person's voice is getting more and more stressed and tense. "What was I thinking? It was you who gave her the alcohol. So I can ask you exactly the same thing.", somehow Joonas manages to get me to voice my last thought on my tongue, a thought I wanted to keep to myself at that moment. This is probably the worst moment to start this discussion but it is precisely the situation where I have no control over my words. And it's exactly these words that make me angry from one second to the next.