Died enough for You [Joel Hokka FF] (English)

Then You stabbed Me in the Back

Pov. Hilja

"What are you doing here?", I ask the blond curly head with sunglasses who is standing infront of me in the stairway. Smiling I fall into a hug that he gladly responds. "Well, now that I know you live here I decided to just pop by quickly.", he laughs and gently strokes up and down my back.

When we separate I let him enter my pretty messy apartment. "Sorry, I didn't expect any visitors, that's why it's a bit messy.", I explain as he looks though my apartment carefully. He turns around tk face me with a smile. "Ah, don't worry about that. My apartment probably looks worse than this when it's tidy.", he laughs in response.

Laughing I quickly go into the kitchen and get two bottles of alcohol free beer from the fridge and then return to Joonas who is now standing infront of the couch and the living room table. "Don't have any alcoholic beer's either. I hope alcohol free is alright.", I apologise for something that I can't do anything against again, but why not apologise for that anyway.

Joonas' attention is on something completely else though. His gaze is on my living room table which has loads of loose papers lying on it with notes for keys, lyrics and ideas for the cover I made. He carefully takes one of the pieces of paper into his hand and looks at it for a millisecond. Then his gaze raises to meet mine. "Is that keys for one of your songs?", and that's the moment I regret having opened the door for him and innerly hate him a little for showing up unannounced.

This project that I've been working on nonstop for the last two days if you don't count the six hours that I slept both nights, that I actually wanted to keep to myself. I disappeared from the face of the earth completely the last two days and worked on this project. Nothing I did got publicised, to be honest I didn't even look at anything on Instagram or any other social media. I didn't even look at WhatsApp, which means I didn't even have contact to any of the guys from Blind Channel or even my family and Keno.

So before Joonas can take a more precise look at the pieces of paper with the notes I grab it out of his hands and press the alcohol-free beer into his hand. "Maybe, but I'm not gonna tell you anything more specific. And just so you know, you never saw these papers, you will never mention them to anyone, nobody at all, and if you do, you should be scared whenever you close your eyes.", with the tip of my index finger I tip him between his breast and look at him threateningly. "Ok, so it's a secret."

He sits down on the couch with a smile while I push the papers into a pile and then push them to the other end of the table. As soon as I've made sure that Joonas can't read anything from the pages anymore I sit down on the couch aswell and clink my bottle against his.

After a couple of sips Joonas starts talking again: "Actually I only came to see how you are.". With his words my gaze falls to the floor. It feels like a stab to the heart to be asked that question. "Better. I think.", I hesitate with my answer but speak it out loud. "Really? We didn't hear anything from you. We all wrote to you and you weren't even online. As if you had fallen off the edge of the world.", he explains and comes a little closer to me.

Before I can answer him I have to take a deep breath. It's a pain in my heart that let's my words get stuck in my throat. Breathing hurts and the pain suddenly runs through my entire body. Due to the pain I close my eyes and try to take as deep a breath as I can but even that makes the pain worse.

Only one I feel the warmth from Joonas' hands on mine I manage to push away the most of the pain so that I can really take a deep breath now. "I just needed some time to myself - sorry, that I didn't reach out to you guys but it just felt like being alone for a while would be best for me. Not having any contact to anyone and not being talked to about the one thing I don't want to talk or think about and trying to process by anyone.", it's the words that I wanted to say earlier on but couldn't get through my lips until now.