Died enough for You [Joel Hokka FF] (English)

30 - I was Addicted

I would have loved to just go away again, pretended as if it hadn't happened, but in the moment I opened the door I'm like frozen. "Hilja.", it's only a rustle that comes out of his mouth, I can barely hear it and weak. He's leaning at the door frame with his hand and it looks like he's supporting his full wait on that. Something isn't right here.

He sways back and forth on his legs and I'm afraid he'll collapse at any second and can't hold his wait anymore. The last thing I want is to let him into my apartment, I don't want to spend any more time with him than I have to, but what I also can't do is send him home again in this state. However he may have got here, he definitely shouldn't go back like that.

Eventhough we have a certain distance between us I can still smell the strong scent of alcohol and burns into my nose. "What are you doing here, Joel?", I barely dare myself to say anything but I have to say something. Otherwise the weird silence would just make this situation even more uncomfortable. "I... I'm... so- sorry.", only an indistinct babbling leaves his lips. He keeps stopping and starting anew.

He doesn't even manage to hold his head up properly at one spot so that he keeps falling off and threatened to collapse. "I- I wa- wanted t- to", his stutter stops when he stumbles forwards all of a sudden and is now really threatened to fall over. I stand infront of him out of reflex so he won't fall far but rather fall a few centimetres into my arms. "Woah. Stay calm, Joel. You are so drunk.", his head is now leaning on my shoulder while I have my arms wrapped around his back and slightly stroke it.

The strong smell of alcohol, that only bites into my nose even more now, comes out of every single pore of his body. I really can't send him home like this anymore. He was barely able to stand on his own feet and even that turns out as very hard now. He will never be able to get all the way home before he gets run over by a car or collapse on the pavement.

I somehow lift up the tall blond Finn and put his arm around my shoulder so he can lean on me. My gaze wanders to the livingroom and the two couches. He would fit on the bigger one, it would be big enough for that. But I still hesitate going to the couch. "Just let me sleep on the couch.", okay, that's definitely going too far. How can it be that even in this drunken state he can read my thoughts. Sober, okay, but totally drunk? Never!

I shake my head reluctantly and turn around in the little hallway towards my bedroom. "No, definitely not. You need sleep and the bedroom is closer to the bathroom.", I explain and add, "On top of that I'm awake now anyway, I'd rather be in the livingroom then you not being able to rest properly.". With my words I immediately go in the direction of the room from which I had just left.

To my luck Joel also pulls himself together a little and tries to walk by himself as good as possible without too much of my help. "How much did you drink?", the question actually wasn't meant to be asked out loud but as I'm not really known to think quietly I just blurt out the question directly. "I don't know.", Joel mumbles and more or less looses his balance. "Okay, better question, when did you start drinking?", I rephrase my question while I sit Joel down on my bed.

He puts his hands down on the bed next to him exhaustedly to get more stability. "Do the beers that I drank when we were sitting together count?", he asks drunkenly. I immediately rup my eyes open wider. "Wait, are you trying to tell me that you haven't slept yet and drank the entire evening?!", I look at the clock in shock and to reassure myself that I saw the time correctly when I looked at it a few minutes ago. Joel nods carefully to which I only look at him in even more shock. "Do you hate me now?"

His voice makes me look Into his light blue, extremely tired eyes that meet mine with a puppy-look. "I hate you already anyway.", I answer but can't help a little smile because he's looking at me like a little kid who's mother just told him that he's not getting anymore chocolate today. "I'm sorry.", he looks down at his hands which he's fidgeting around with.