Died enough for You [Joel Hokka FF] (English)

This is where I'm giving Up

It's been seconds, maybe minutes that I've been standing in the studio in shock. "Fuck.", I quietly whisper to myself over and over again. I talked too much and Joel, Joel understood it the wrong way. I didn't want to say it, not in the way he said it but now, I hurt him and he thinks he knows what I wanted to say but he doesn't know that it's actually the exact opposite.

My gaze lands on the floor which I stare at the same way as I did with the door just a few seconds before. I've never seen the Finn that hurt, that sad, and that dejected ever before. I meant something to him, and what did I do? I had to ruin everything again. Slowly I realise how the door is being opened, which makes me lift my gaze a bit.

"Hilja?", my name echoes through the room, but it nearly goes under due to the music outside of the room. "Is everything okay?", without hesitation I shake my head. Too long I denied too much, and if you would believe me now that I'm fine, then you're either blind or have never had social contact. Have I missed my chance?

The chance to tell Joel everything and do what I was thinking about last week. Is all of this not possible anymore just because of a self-destructive statement I made?

Without waiting even a second I feel the strong grip of his arms around me and get pulled to the body of the black-haired Finn. "Everything is alright. Calm down.", he whispers and caresses my back. Slowly teardrops start running down my cheeks. I don't even try to suppress them. If I want to be honest now, then to myself and towards every single emotion aswell.

While we're hugging, he gently leans his cheek on my forehead. "Joel suddenly ran out of the apartment and only I noticed it and when I realized that you were nowhere to be seen I knew that something must have escalated between the two of you.", he explains his actions. "It's my fault. I said the wrong words and he understood me the wrong way.", I sob my explanation.

Immediately Aleksi stops the hug and looks me deeply into my eyes. "What are you waiting for then? If it was just a misunderstanding go and make it right." – "He's probably already on the other side of Oulu or at his place.", to my thought Aleksi hastily shakes his head. "As if Joel just leaves a party without saying goodbye to everyone. He is infront of the front door. I saw him outside. So wipe away your damn tears and go after him! Or do you want him to understand it the wrong way?", he explains and pulls me out of the studio.

Somehow it lets me take a deep breath to know that there is still a chance to clarify the misunderstanding, but how am I supposed to do it if Joel thinks it's exactly the way he understood it? If he thinks that I wish to never get to know him? But all I can do is to try it. Even if I don't know the right words yet and it's going to be the biggest stammering I'll bring over my lips, I have to go out there now. It's now or never.

A short thankful gaze to Aleksi and I start following Joel out of the apartment and sprint down the stairs. With the speed I'm getting this every step I get the thought that I'm going to fall down the stairs instead of running in the next second, but to my surprise, I get down without even stumbling.

Completely out of breath I quickly stop infront of the front door. I don't know if Joel is standing right infront of it and if I run right into him out of breath I'm not going to be able to talk at all. Not to forget the fact that my words still aren't sorted.

I breathe deeply for a few moments and try to make up a beginning but there is nothing usable in my brain. Improvisation? Definitely! With this thought I take one more deep breath, try to – more or less – calm down my heartbeat open the door, and step outside.

With just a second the cold hovers all over my body and I regret that I didn't take a second and at least put on my jacket. On top of that I didn't even put on a hoodie today either and that's why I don't even have a hood to protect my ears from the cold wind.