Died enough for You [Joel Hokka FF] (English)

I show You how it's Played

Maybe it's the moment in which I can't do anything against it anymore. Maybe it's the moment that I've been waiting for. The moment that I need to be able to build up my priorities again.

Everything he's doing to me is like always, he's playing with me. My feelings, me in whole am only a toy to him, nothing more. Everything that he's saying applies to him, not to me. He's the one that change his mood every minute. In one moment he wants to be close to me and in the next he's talking about me behind my back and thinks that I don't understand him. But he's extremely wrong about that because I listen to every single word he brings over his lips and understand them and feel the hatred that I nearly even missed. Just because I started to like him. A mistake, that will never make again.

"She creates chaos. It's like a...", he interrupts to find his words. Words, that I don't want to hear anymore. Nothing that he saying in his sentence is anything I want to hear anymore. I feel the pain inner that he creates with his words, it's not only anger, that shapes the hatred at the moment – No – it's also the sadness and pain that pulls itself through my body. All in all I manage to ignore my idea. The hatred that has spread let's me forget that I held the fact, that I can understand the mother tongue of the Finns a secret.

In his break I can't hold myself back anymore and tear open the door, immediately Joel looks over at me and Joonas, who seems to have just gone to get a guitar, turns around to me in shock, too. "Are you kidding me, Joel? The first thing you do when I'm gone is t gossip about me. Don't you dare think that I didn't hear you just now. I heard every single word and don't you dare think you make up for that again. You're just so... so unbelievable. I would just love to punch you again. But I think it's better if you sweep before your own door for once. That's gonna hurt even more, believe me.", the words just spill out of my mouth.

My gaze wanders to the little table by the couches on which I immediately see my phone. With quick steps I walk over to said table and grab my phone. I look over to Joonas for a second who is standing at the wall completely surprised and holding the guitar in his hand. He actually wasn't supposed to hear the little eruption of anger but I can't change anything about that now anyway. Without saying another word I turn around again and walk in the direction of the door.

Before I get to it though I feel a hand on my wrist. "Hilja, please, let me explain.", all of a sudden his voice his voice is vibrating again and you can hear a bit of regret in his words. I quickly pull my wrist out of his grip and look right into Joel's ice-blue eyes. "No, I won't. I heard enough already, Joel. You can't just treat me like a game. I can't participate in that. And Aleksi and Olli are waiting for me outside anyway.", I tell him my thoughts without even blinking once and turn back around again and walk in the direction of the door again.

I hear Joel's voice behind me again: "Hilja, please!" – "Fuck you, Hokka!", are my last words before I bang the door shut behind me. I walk out of the building as fast as possible and once I get outside I take a quick break to take a deep breath. What I forgot was the fact that Aleksi and Olli are still standing out here eventhough I literally just told Joel that.

While I lean at the wall of the building with my eyes closed and take deep breaths from the fresh air I don't notice how the two boys are walking towards me. "Is everything alright with you?", Olli's voice sounds and lets me pull my eyes open wide. My sight is a little blurry when I look at the two Finns how they are standing on front of me hugged into their jackets.

I nod slightly and try not to make it visible. "Really? But you have tears in your eyes.", Aleksi realises which makes me rub over my eyes immediately. Without even noticing it, little salty droplets actually started collecting in my eyes and some of them started rolling down my cheek already. I really didn't notice it myself. "Yes, really. That's just... uhm. I have that sometimes when I... come out into the cold from inside.", I try to find an excuse that doesn't actually make any sense. Like really, no sense at all.