Died enough for You [Joel Hokka FF] (English)

And I Trip

His question pulls me out of my explanation completely which makes me stop all of a sudden and I only stare at him. "Hilja?", it's Joel's voice that I notice next to me and his hand on my shoulder brings me back. Immediately he takes his hand away again which I would have suggested him anyway. He doesn't have to take care of me. "You said 'was'...", Niko repeats his question. My gaze goes to the floor for a moment. "Yeah, like I already told you, we had some fights.", none of the boys really seem to be convinced by my explanation but they leave it the way it is which makes me happy.

Now we finish our food without any conversation and wait for our desert. I am pretty full already but I can always eat dessert. In the time that we're waiting Olli starts the conversation. "You kept talking about Keno all the time, but how are Mauri and Arian.", he wants to know which takes away the air in my throat. Olli also gets a few strict gazes from the others to which he explains himself: "Hey, I just wanted to ask. It doesn't mean that just because they had a fight they don't stay in contact. She also still has contact to Keno." – "I have to agree with him there.", Tommi interrupts and looks at the bass player with an understanding gaze. "Now you've made me to interested.", Joonas laughs and returns his gaze to me.

All of them are waiting for an answer. An answer to a question I can't give an answer to. "Well,...", I start and turn around to Aleksi for a moment, "Just so you know. Mauri was our bass player and Arian the drummer.". He nods as a thanks for my explanation and smiles. I wanted to avoid this question as good as I can. Give me some time to come up with an answer which doesn't really work too well because I should start talking again before a too long pause comes.

I turn back towards the table so everybody knows I'm talking to all of them. "So... the two of them are good. I think...", I say the last part to myself mire than to them but I still say it in a normal volume so everyone hears it to which I would have loved to just rip out my voice. But since I earn my living with it I see, that that would be a stupid idea so I only look down. "You think?", it's Joel who speaks my thoughts louder which makes every last one of them at my table realise my lie.

I close my eyes in pain and try to breath in a normal pace again since it got pretty hectic. "Now we really want to hear an explanation, Hilja.", it's Niko's voice that speaks relaxed and tells me it's time to explain all of it now. It was a subject that I wanted to avoid by any price but of course I always have to ride myself into that shit. I didn't want to waste one thought on my past but I keep getting confronted and forced to look it straight in the face.

In exactly the moment that I start breathing in the desserts get brought to our table to which I close my mouth directly and stay quiet. The waitress disappears out of the room again and before I can start talking again I take a big spoon of my ice cream cup that everyone of us got and do it purposely that I can't talk. In the moment I want to take a second spoon Joel and Niko exchange looks for a millisecond and just as I'm about to put the spoon into the ice cream again Joel puts his hand on mine and pushes it onto the table carefully so that I can't take another spoon. His bright blue eyes literally look right through me and warn me not to take another spoon of the ice cream. "You can't get out of it anymore.", he says quietly and takes a spoon of my ice cream cup himself. "If you want to eat again you should give us an explanation. If not I'll gladly eat two ice cream cups.", his voice stays quiet and his gaze is still amused because of my more or less shocked reaction. Did he really just eat from my ice cream cup?!

Just to provoke him I would just stay quiet now but then, in the corner of my eye, I see that his spoon is trying to find it's way to my ice cream cup again. I don't really like to think this right now but desserts are holy for me and you can only have it over my dead body. But I still give him a little hope and let him take a spoon full of my ice cream. "Okay. At least let me eat my ice cream while I tell you! Otherwise it will melt!", I give up after a while. He let's go of my hand happily and leans back into his chair. But before his spoon reaches his mouth again though I take back the spoon of ice cream and take the spoon that he is still holding into my mouth and enjoy eating the ice cream from it. "It was still mine.", I say and laugh him in the face. The other boys also can't hold back their laughter because the half shocked and half sad gaze from Joel is just priceless.