From Foes To Flames

Chapter 45

Jayden

Maybe I am just a dumb jock, but the moment feels right and I therefore take the opportunity right now. I am about to close the gap between us, as I realize Isaac's hand on my biceps, stopping me successfully. His hand remains on that exact spot, it neither moves nor pushes me back. I immediately understand what is happening right now, I overstepped the boundary between us. The fine line that separates friends with lovers and I clearly overstepped it - shit.

"Isaac, I-" The hand of the boy finds it's way on my lips, successfully muting me. Overwhelmed with the situation, I seek contact with him with my eyes, but his gaze is directed to his lap. And the view in front of me - a dejected Isaac - ultimately brings me back from my momentary high.

In that very moment I realized it: every stolen glance, every unrequited feeling, every word spoken, every silent prayer, everything I ever wished for made me too blind to see it: The sad truth that was visibly since the day I met him, the bittersweet awareness - that I will never be Isaac Anderson's shining star.

And then it started. First only a tingling sensation on the waterline of the eye, quickly developing into a powerful stream. Lucky me, the boy's gaze is still lowered, giving me the momentum to turn around myself. Presenting Isaac my raw emotions is something I would like to avoid, I've burdened him enough already. But sadly, sobs aren't as easy to hide as tears, not even the menacing music of the movie helps anymore.

"Jayden" The soft voice of Isaac now filled with gentleness and caring. Please stop talking. Please. Please. Please. I don't answer, I can't - in fear that my voice might break. An uncomfortable silence settles in around us only ever interrupted by occasional silent sobs. "Jayden." His voice again. "Jayden, please turn around." He begs, but I remain in the exact same position.

Suddenly I can feel the boy's hand on my right shoulder, it feels warm, therapeutic even. The warmth of his hand reminds me of the heat that I feel every time I am around that very same boy. But I guess I came to close to the sun and now I am suffering the consequences of my actions. "Jayden. Turn around for fuck's sake." The tone in his voice has shifted, it now sounds like he is crying himself and as the realization hits me, I turn around almost instantly.

"Isaac." I whisper. To my displeasure, tears are actually running down Isaac's cheeks. I quickly decide that I hate that sight - the sight of the boy crying. His eyes are focusing mine now and I stare back, while trying not to sob again. "I am so fucking sorry." I admit, my voice a whisper. I wanted to say more, tell him how much he means to me and how fucking sad I really am, but I don't trust my words enough right now.

But Isaac seems to understand - not needing any more words. How can someone be this pure and sincere. "I-" My voice breaks yet again, but before I get the chance to give it a second try, Isaac leans forward and captures my frame in a tight hug, bone-crushing. The type of hugs you need in those situations. But I don't hug him back, I can't, so I just lean into him and pick up his scent for the last time.

Unrequited love is a bitch, I decide.

~~~~~~~

Isaac

I am so fucking sorry for him. Trust me, I really wanted to say 'yes' to him, but I would be lying to myself. I want Jayden to be happy, but the price I would have to pay is to high. I can't do that. I understand how he feels and I am also aware that tonight was the perfect opportunity for him to try it again - a romantic ambience and the coziness of his car's carrying surface. But I can't help but break his heart again for the sake of my own fate and future.

I love Jayden as a friend, but there will never be more between us, never ever. I hate being the one to bear the bad news, but somebody has to do it. We keep hugging as an awkward silence settles in again, but it doesn't stay silent for long.

"It is him, right?" Jayden asks, the sad tone in his voice as present as before. I immediately understand what the boy means with that question. He refers to Oscar. Should I tell him? Can I trust him with this kind of information? He doesn't seem like one, who would use it against me at some point, right?

"Yeah." I slowly admit to which he audibly sighs, which pains me instantly.

"I knew it from the start." He continues. "I have always been the one standing on the sidelines, watching." Jayden explains sadly. "Oh, how often I wished you would look at me in the same way you look at him, Oliver, right?" He questions, I hum in agreement and then it is silent again.

"Isaac, promise me one thing." Jayden demands. "What?" I question silently. He breaths out dramatically before speaking again. "No matter where life takes you, promise me to never lose sight of who you are, and the love that has defined you." I am seriously taken aback of his way of words. "I will, thank you." I counter, while intensifying the hold on him. "My dad used to say that to me all the time when I was younger. It didn't make sense back then, but now it has become my favorite saying." He explains, which makes me smile.

Both of us share the lingering embrace, feeling the fragility of the moment. As we finally break apart again, our eyes locked, conveying a silent understanding that our paths might diverge, but our memories would remain a constant presence.

~~~~~~~

Today was interesting, but also kind of relieving. The weight that pushed me down the last couple of weeks is now gone, dissolved in thin air. Before I exit Jayden's car, I lean over the middle part and press a light kiss on the right side of his face. "Thank you for today, Jayden. For everything." I say, before exiting the vehicle. He doesn't say anything, because he doesn't really need to - it would simply be superfluous. Everything that needed to be said was said, anything else would be hot air.