There isn’t much to note about the plot since it is the first chapter, but what we can note is just how long it is. Summarizing the events we see that Ashild, the main character, makes plans with her friends, on the way encounters a shapeshifter, to which she is known to be the center point of a third-party conflict, goes home after said conflict, and follows the “good” guys through a portal once they save her. As for what happens, it is a relatively long read with minimal actually happening. What it does have though, are characters. We learn many people’s backstories and personalities — which just meshes them together and makes them forgettable, even had that section where you explained every character and who they were for four paragraphs straight which wasn’t fun to read — cluttered into the first chapter. One chapter does not need to act as the introduction to everything, especially when we are told how a character acts rather than seeing their personalities. Take the time to develop each character so that they don’t blend together, for the plot that is really the only thing I can comment on to this point.
2. Characters (20/30 points, D+):
In the second paragraph of the story, we are given exposition to Ashild, “Ashild had very little from her past other than the day she was born. Her biological mother had passed away when she was very young. Her father was a complete and utter mystery. As he had never married, nothing official tied him to her. Even if something did, Ashild wasn't sure that she wanted to meet a man who wanted nothing to do with his daughter or her family,” (SailorofNaglfar). Now, on the surface, this seems fine, the reader better understands the character and we are told some soon-to-be important information — or at least I assume it will be. However, the reason this section stood out to me so much is that it suffers from the classic, “Show don’t tell,” rule. Where instead of showing us what the character is like and letting the reader formulate their own opinion on them, we are told what she’s like, we are told to feel empathy and we are told that this is her backstory.
I will rewrite the scene briefly to give an example of how you would show everything that is stated in the scene without explicitly stating it; compare and contrast. “Ashild grunted as she rose from her bed, the summer heat threatening to lay her back down. She yawned, tightly shutting her eyes as she stretched her hands up and outward, beginning to walk toward the door to her room. In her daze she makes her way to the exit, only to be stopped by what seemed to be a picture frame hung next to the door above a drawer. It was a beautiful blond woman, with silky smooth hair holding a small child in her arms next to a strange man, a candle rest below the frame. A soft smile spread across Ashild’s lips as she stared at the picture, gently caressing the woman with her index finger, “I miss you, Mom,” she whispered, staring sweetly at the woman. Her smile faded as she glanced at the other man. Her finger retracted as her jaw clenched tighter. “And whoever you are…” she continued, stepping away from the frame and through the door.”
