Ride On

Chapter LIII: The Awakening

Had I taken a shower the previous night I would have risked drinking all the water, leaving none to bathe with. 

Since I took it the next morning I was able to wash my hair and pretend to give myself a fresh start. 

Oh, it was gorgeousness and gorgeosity made flesh...

I wrapped a towel around myself and sat on the floor. Just sat there.

What else was there for me to do?

**********

"Have you ever thought about....suicide?"

The word came out painfully. "Not seriously."

"You've never....." I shook my head.

"No."

He relaxed a little. "What about any medications, are you on anythin'?"

"No," I said. "I'm not depressed or anything, I just..."

"You just what?"

"I just....I'm just down sometimes, that's all."

Angus didn't say anything. We sat at the table drinking the tea Angus had made. The tea I had given him from my purse. The tea for emergencies. 

This was definitely an emergency. 

Neither of us said anything for a while. Finally I took my chance to explain. "I was stupid to take all those tablets last night," I admitted. "I have a good life, I have two parents who love me, a roof over my head...I have two jobs and money for food..." Angus just listened. A cigarette burned on an ashtray between us. "I just had a bad day. It happens sometimes."

Angus still didn't say anything. My head hurt and I was dizzy from want of sleep. The radio was on playing soft music at a low volume. Angus' request. I sipped at my tea. Almost on instinct I felt for my sunburn which had finally stopped peeling days ago. 

What day was it anyway?

After my birthday I stopped counting. Mid July, that was good enough for me. I rolled my sleeves up. The AC in the room wasn't working very well. Drinking tea didn't help. 

Except that it did. 

Angus stood up and stretched then stared at the floor. He went into his...our room for something and I waited patiently. A few minutes later he came back and picked up his mug of tea. "What are you thinkin'?" he asked.

"About what?"

"About....the rest of the tour..."

I stared at my tea. Black as my soul. 

With a little more milk.

A responsible person would have admitted the tour was too much and they weren't mentally ready for that kind of tax. 

But my irresponsible, lying, and stubborn little arse didn't want to leave. 

I didn't want to say goodbye. 

"I'm not sendin' ya' home or anythin'," Angus said in response to my silence. "This isn't my decision, ya' know. It's yours an' if you wanna stay...." He made a vague gesture. "But I wanna do the right thing, whatever that is. The right thing for you, I mean." 

I folded my hands together. 

"Whatever you think is best, Hannah. But....I don't want you hurtin', ya' know?"

Why did my heart ache?

I just stared at him. Only one thing seemed to be the remedy for my cluttered mind. The one thing that would make everything okay when everything felt wrong. Something that would get me started in the right direction. 

I stood from the table and hugged him.

I buried my face in his jumper and held him as tightly as I could. 

And I cried. 

He let me. 

**********

There was no concert that day. We spent the night together again. He offered to show me a few things on the guitar and I returned to him a very distressed instrument. If anything could make a guitar gently weep it would be my playing. 

Angus had taken a shower before dinner and came back dripping wet and grumbling about the soap in his eye. The pasta I cooked seemed to help wash it out. 

Afterwards we sat on the couch watching a telly horror film. 

I wasn't scared. 

How could I have possibly been scared when my face was buried in Ang's neck and I couldn't even see what was happening? 

I felt him kiss my hair and pull the blanket closer around us. 

I felt my heart race. 

I felt a remarkable sense of calm, a knot in my stomach, my muscles relaxing, my eyes welling up, my eyes fluttering sleepily....

In truth....I was scared.

There was nothing I was facing that I couldn't handle. My heart longed to go home. My heart longed for a familiar environment. 

My heart longed for my new friends. 

My heart longed for the adventure I was leaving behind.