About a Girl

chapter one

November 20, 1992
Ring.
Ring.
Riinnggggg.

Lily groaned. She did not want to wake up yet. She did not want to go to school. She did not want to believe that she had, in fact, woken up again instead of dying in her sleep.

But she had woken up again. And her alarm clock was ringing. And she had an hour to get ready for the day and get to school. She dragged her eyelids open and turned off her alarm clock. At least it was Friday. She only had to make it through one more day before the weekend when she could sleep as much as she wanted. Lily pulled herself out of bed and into the bathroom. She didn't have enough time to shower and even if she did, she might end up falling asleep under the water and missing school altogether. In fact, she was so exhausted she almost nodded off while she was sitting on the toilet. But a sharp knock on the door startled her awake.

"Get the fuck out! I need a shower!" Lily's dad boomed from the other side of the door.

Lily rolled her eyes. "Give me a fucking minute!" she shouted back.

Lily stared into the sink as she washed her hands and brushed her teeth. She avoided looking in the mirror for as long as she could. But eventually, with a sigh, she raised her head and gazed into the glass. The girl she saw looked like her, but also not. She had the same long dark brown hair with the same messy bangs hanging over her eyes. Her eyes were still huge and round, and almost black, but they were dull now. There was more sadness there, and the happy child-like hopefulness was gone. So was the innocence.

Lily frowned. There was day-old eyeliner smudged around her eyes and her eyelashes itched from the mascara crusted on them. She ran a hand through her hair and yawned. Her dad pounded on the door again, making her jump slightly.

"Ok ok. I'm coming out." said Lily as she turned the knob and opened the door.

Her father was leaning against the wall with his arms folded. His irritation was obvious. Lily tried to ignore the way his eyes dragged up and down her body. She subconsciously pulled at the edge of her t-shirt, cursing herself for not putting on pajama pants before going to sleep last night. She scurried back to her bedroom, feeling her dad's eyes drilling a hole in her back, and locked the door behind her.

Once she was in her room, Lily tugged the t-shirt over her head and then quickly pulled on jeans, a clean t-shirt, and an old worn out sweater. The jeans were way too loose and the sweater was full of holes, but the clothes were comfortable and clean...enough. Lily sat down on the floor and yanked her beat-to-shit red converse on over her mismatched stripey socks.

Lily picked her backpack up off the floor and stuffed in her textbooks, notebooks, binder, and her copy of Anna Karenina. She swung her backpack over her shoulder, grabbed her Marlboros, and shoved her house key in her pocket before leaving her room and walking quietly but quickly down the hall and to the front door. She slipped out of the house and started on her way to school.

Once she turned the corner and her house was out of sight, she pulled the cigs out of her pocket, placed one between her lips, and lit the end of it. She inhaled and her mouth filled with smoke. She closed her eyes as she breathed in and the nicotine flooded her senses; her heart stopped pounding for the first time since she woke up that morning. She opened her eyes and breathed out a cloud of smoke. She kept walking for about 10 minutes, alternating between taking deep breaths and drags of her cigarette. When her high school came into view she paused, stomped out the cig, and shoved her hands into her pockets. She kept her head down as she walked into the building, reminding herself that it was Friday and she'd be free in 7 hours.

Fuck. That was a long fucking time.

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Lily got through the day the same way she got through all the days: she slept through the boring classes, tried to pay attention in English, and smoked during lunch. Lily hated school. Every time she walked through the huge double doors it felt like there was a weight being placed on her shoulders. She still tried, and for the most part she got Bs and Cs. The only consistent A was English. It was her best subject, and the only thing that kept her from dropping out completely. Still, Lily was beyond happy that she was a senior and would soon be finally done with this place forever.

When the final bell of the day rang, Lily rushed out the door and quickly started walking towards home. Not her house, the place that most resembled home to her. The place she spent most of her childhood. The place where she was fed and loved and treated like a person instead of an inconvenience.

"Hello? I'm here!" Lily said, pushing open the door. A warm sweet voice called out to her from the kitchen. "Hi Mrs. Cobain!" Lily couldn't help smiling as she was wrapped in a gentle hug.

"Lilly! It's so nice to see you! Feels like it's been ages." the woman stated.

Lily laughed. She had visited on Tuesday, but she understood how easy it is to get lonely. As Mrs. Cobain continued flitting around the kitchen and dining room, Lily sat down at the kitchen table and started working on her homework. She was planning on getting shit-faced this weekend and she didn't want any assignments hanging over her head. The two worked in comfortable silence for about an hour, at which point Lily shut her last textbook and looked up.

"What're you doing?" she asked.

Mrs. Cobain smiled. "I'm planning for Thanksgiving."

Lily snorted. Thanksgiving was the least important holiday. "Why? I thought no one cared about Turkey Day." She said the last two words mockingly. She reached into her pocket and pulled out a cigarette, lighting it with a match from the little box on the table. 

"Well...Kurt's coming home for Thanksgiving this year." she said in a voice barely above a whisper. She was looking pointedly at Lily, waiting for her reaction.

Lily choked on her smoke and coughed. A lot. She put her cigarette out in the ashtray on the table and ran to the sink, quickly filling a glass with water and downing it. She stared at the woman still sitting at the table, her face covered in complete and utter shock.

"I...I thought he was living in Seattle? With his band?" she forced out the sentence. She hadn't seen Kurt in nearly 5 years, and she wasn't sure she wanted to.

Of course she wanted to, she missed him like hell. But did he want to see her? It had taken her so long to get over the fact that he left, and she had no idea what it would be like to see him again. What if he forgot all about her? Lily's head was spinning with all her worries and anxious thoughts. She needed to get out of here. She needed to stop thinking.
Lily excused herself, saying she had a lot to think about and lying about a project that was due, and promised to come back sometime during the weekend. Mrs. Cobain said goodbye, looking concerned, and Lily hurried out of the house and back into the cold November air.

She needed to clear her head. She started walking towards the woods and lit another cigarette. As her lungs filled with smoke, she felt herself calm down a little. But her mind kept racing.