About a Girl

chapter thirty one

February 27, 1993

Kurt was coming home from Minnesota today. This time, Lily wasn't pacing around the apartment in anticipation. She was sitting on the couch, lost in her thoughts and picking at her lips until they bled. She knew that she had to tell Kurt what Courtney had said. She had to talk to him about it. Her stomach turned as she thought about what to say and she prayed that she wouldn't puke. Her stomach flu was still bothering her, although Lily was starting to think it wasn't a flu at all and was actually being caused by the stress of having to come to terms with the fact that her boyfriend was a heroin addict.

Someone fumbled with their keys in the hallway. Lily's heart started to race as she heard the key turn in the lock on the door and the knob twist as it was pushed open.

"I'm home!" Kurt's voice rang out through the apartment as he came through the front door. Lily's eyes met his gaze and she gave him a sad smile as she stood up from her seat on the couch and took a few hesitant steps towards him. Kurt noticed immediately that something was off. "Baby, what's wrong?"

He crossed the room and pulled her into his arms, stroking the side of her face gently as his eyes filled with worry at the sight of her tear-stained cheeks and bloody lips. Lily broke down in his arms. Sobs wracked through her body, making her shake as she buried her face in Kurt's neck and clung to him for dear life.

"C-Courtney came by the other day..." she choked out. "She told me, Kurt. She told me about the heroin."

Kurt's blood turned to ice in his veins. "She did what?" His voice came out as barely more than a whisper.

"She told me you're an addict," Lily continued, looking up at him, her big brown eyes blurred with tears. "She said that you love it more than anything...more than her...more than me..."

"That's not true," Kurt said harshly. He took Lily's face in her hands, holding her close and staring deep into her eyes, seriousness etched into his expression. "I love you more than I've ever loved anyone or anything. You and Tessa were the closest thing I've ever had to family and I–" he stopped, his voice breaking. "I'd kill myself if I ever did anything to make you think otherwise."

"But why didn't you tell me?" Lily whispered. "More importantly, why don't you quit?"

Kurt let go of her, taking a step back and running his hands through his hair as anger flared within him. "Jesus Christ Lily, it's not that fucking easy. I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want to upset you – I didn't want to see you like this – and because I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO QUIT!!"

More tears fell from Lily's eyes when Kurt shouted at her, but he was too angry to notice or care.

"In case you aren't aware, heroin is highly fucking addictive," he hissed. "Especially when you have chronic pain and fucking bipolar disorder!"

Lily didn't say anything. She just stood there, hiding her face in her hands and trying to cover up the sound of the strangled cries leaving her mouth.

"Whatever," Kurt muttered. "It's not like you have any fucking idea what it's like."

Those words were like a knife in Lily's back. She stopped crying, looking up from her hands and glaring across the room at Kurt.

"What the fuck did you just say?" she asked, her voice laced with venom.

Kurt knew right away the he had fucked up. "Lily, I'm sorry, I didn't mean–"

Lily turned on her heel and stormed out of the room. She went to the bedroom and started rummaging through her backpack, trying to find the secret pocket she'd made in it years ago.

"Baby, wait, please!"

Lily returned to the living room almost as fast as she had left it. She stopped a few feet in front of Kurt and hurled the orange bottle of pills at his chest. It hit him in the ribs and then fell to the floor, the lid popping off and the contents scattering across the floor in every direction. Kurt was stunned. He looked down, at the tiny white pills covering the wood floor, and then back up at the girl seething with rage in front of him.

"YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY FUCKING PERSON IN THE WORLD WHO HAS THINGS THAT HAUNT THEM, KURT!" she screamed. "FOR YEARS I HAD NO ONE! NO ONE BUT MY FATHER'S HANDS AND THIS SHIT!" She bent down, grabbing a handful of the pills and throwing them at him. She got closer to him until her face was inches from his. Kurt felt a shiver run down his spine at the sight of Lily's deep brown eyes turned to blinding black rage.

"Don't you fucking dare talk to me about addictions, Kurt Cobain," she whispered. "I have the goddamn motherfucking monopoly on not being able to get through the day sober."

She walked away, collapsing onto the sofa as her anger melted away and her sadness came flooding back. Kurt picked up the bottle from off of the floor and examined it. It was a prescription for Vicodin, for Lily's mother. Judging by how many pills were scattered around the room, none of the pills had been taken in a long time. Tentatively, Kurt made his way over to the sofa. He sat down next to Lily and pulled her onto his lap, wrapping his arms around her and holding her close as she broke down crying once more.

"I'm sorry," he said, his own eyes stinging with tears. "I'm so sorry."

"It's not your f-fault," Lily sniffled. "But we need to stop. We can't live like this, Kurt."

"I know," he sighed. "I've been trying to quit for months...but every time it gets hard I can't stop myself from giving in and shooting up again. I don't know what to do, Lily." Kurt hid his face in Lily's soft brown hair as tears started sliding down his face.

Lily took his face in her hands, wiping away his tears as she looked into his striking blue eyes. "Let me help you," she whispered. "Let me be here for you, please. You can't do this alone lovey."

Kurt shook his head sadly. "I can't ask that of you–"
"Kurt, I want to help you," Lily said firmly. "You're going to get better. It just takes time. Believe me, I know how hard it is. But it's going to be ok, I promise."

A blanket of silence fell over the room for a moment as Kurt gazed into Lily's eyes. He could feel his heart pounding against his ribs as it became overwhelmed with love, gratitude, and adoration for the girl in his arms. Unable to put into words the storm of emotions in his head, Kurt pressed his lips against hers. The kiss was soft and sweet and slow and it said all of the things he couldn't.