About a Girl

chapter three

When Lily finally woke up the next day, her limbs felt like they were filled with lead and there was a kick drum pounding out a 4:4 beat against her skull. She groaned, rolling onto her side and curling into a ball. She wanted the world to go away. She didn't want to remember last night or the news she had received that afternoon. Lily hid under her blankets. She tried to think about good things. She tried to keep herself from slipping into the darkness in the back of her mind. Before long, her stomach growled and Lily pulled herself out of bed and down the hall to the kitchen in search of food. There was nothing in the fridge except for some old, soft apples.

Groaning, Lily realized that if she wanted food, she would probably have to leave the house and get it for herself. She slid to the floor and put her head in her hands. How did she end up like this?

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A little while later, Lily was dressed and on her way to the corner store near her house. She bought pancake mix, milk, eggs, and orange juice before walking to Mrs. Cobain's house. She needed to get her backpack, but more importantly, she promised that she would come back. And she felt that she owed Mrs. Cobain an apology.

"Hello?" Lily called, knocking on the front door. "It's Lily."

A moment later, the door opened and Lily was greeted with the smiling face of Mrs. Cobain who quickly wrapped her into a big warm hug and pulled her into the house. She immediately took note of Lily's exhausted state and disheveled appearance. She had been trying her best to take care of and look out for this girl since she was born, but there was only so much she could do and sometimes it felt like nothing was ever enough.

Lily insisted on making the pancakes herself, and after a lot of convincing, Mrs. Cobain finally sat down at the kitchen table, lit a cigarette, and stayed put while Lily rushed around the kitchen in a chaotic whirlwind. The two women talked and laughed a little as Lily cooked. They kept chatting lightheartedly as they ate their breakfast-for-lunch and only once the food was gone and the dishes were washed did the conversation turn more serious.

"Lily, are you all right?" Mrs. Cobain asked, her eyebrows furrowed in concern. She reached out and gently held Lily's thin, frail hand in her own. Everything about Lily was small and fragile. She always had been. Lily stood at barely 5'4" and weighed only about 110 pounds – which made sense seeing as how she lived on a diet of mostly black coffee and cigarettes.

Lily's eyes flicked up to meet Mrs. Cobain's caring gaze and she opened her mouth to speak. "I...I'm fine," she stuttered. "Just not sleeping well...That's all." She gave a weak, unconvincing smile.

Mrs. Cobain sighed. "Well I guess I'll have to take your word for it." she said. "But please tell me if you need help. I'm here for you."

The kindness and sincerity in her voice was enough to make Lily's eyes sting with tears, but she wouldn't let herself cry in front of anyone. Certainly not someone she was trying to convince not to worry about her. She wanted to tell Mrs. Cobain the truth. The truth about what she did on the weekends. The truth about sleeping through school. The truth about her dad. The truth about what happened four years ago. But she couldn't. If she did, who knows what could happen? The best thing to do was to keep her head down, keep her secrets secret, and get the fuck out of this godforsaken town as soon as she could.

After several minutes of Lily sitting in silence, completely lost in her own mind, Mrs. Cobain patted her hand and stood up from the table.

"You're coming to Thanksgiving dinner on Thursday, right?" she asked.

Lily shook herself out of her thoughts and rubbed a stray tear away from her eyes. "Yeah, of course." she said. "What time should I come over?"

"Oh, anytime you want." Mrs. Cobain waved her hand. "The other guests will arrive around 3:00, but if you wanted to come by earlier and help me get things ready, that would be lovely."

Lily smiled. "Ok. I'll keep that in mind."

Lily left the Cobain's house a little while later, taking her backpack with her and hugging Mrs. Cobain goodbye before leaving. She felt better than she had when she woke up and she smiled, grateful to have someone like Mrs. Cobain in her life. Especially when her own mother was, well...there wasn't really a nice way to put it.

Speak of the devil, Lily thought as she walked through the front door and saw her mom sprawled out on the couch. She had a joint in one hand and a bottle of PBR in the other. Lily rolled her eyes. It was only 2 in the afternoon for Christ's sake.

Thankfully, Lily's mother ignored her as she walked through the house to her room. Collapsing on her bed, Lily pulled out her black and white composition book and a pen and started scribbling. She wrote down every thought that came into her head, drew tiny pictures and doodles. She hummed a made-up tune and as she hummed, her hand moved the pen along with the song. She started humming different guitar chords that might sound good together, making up riffs and bits and pieces of songs. As she thought about music, her mind drifted towards thinking about Kurt. She usually tried not to think about him. She knew he was living in Seattle. She knew he was in a band – she couldn't remember the name. She knew they had released two albums, one of them last year, and that it had done well.

But Lily tried not to think about Kurt. She ignored the radio, didn't watch MTV, and basically shut out the world in an attempt to avoid him. She had even stopped going to record shops. Still, there were times when he slipped through the cracks. Kids at school talking about him and his band, mostly.

The reason she did this was because thinking about him was fucking painful. Lily missed Kurt with every ounce of her being, but she had done everything she could to stuff down her emotions. She didn't think about Kurt, she didn't think about Tessa, she didn't think about the good old days or what happened that night.

The thoughts racing around her head were getting to be too much for Lily. She got up and looked out the window at the driveway. Her mother's car was gone, she was off to her bartending job for the night. The house was empty. Lily scurried over to her record player and put on the first Iron Maiden record she saw. Turning the volume all the way up, Lily flopped onto her back on her bed and lit up a cigarette.

As the music and the nicotine flooded her senses, Lily closed her eyes and was finally able to find a little bit of peace.