About a Girl

chapter fifty five

November 19, 1993

The day after recording MTV Unplugged, Kurt woke up itching and full of dread. He did his best to ignore the feeling, sliding out of bed and leaving Lily to sleep as long as she wanted – secretly hoping that she wouldn't wake up for a long time still – and walked down the hall to Dave's room. He almost went to Krist, but he remembered what happened the last time he knocked on the Novoselic's door unannounced. Never again.

Dave opened the door after a few minutes of knocking, looking out into the hall with a disgruntled and barely-awake expression. "Kurt? What's up, man?" he yawned.

"Can I come in?" Kurt sighed.

Dave shot him a questioning glance, unsure of why the fuck he was here instead of with his family down the hall, but then he noticed the repetitive motion of his nails scratching at the crook of his arm. "Yeah, come in." He had a bad feeling that he knew what was going on.

"Thanks, man," Kurt sighed. As soon as he was in Dave's hotel room, he collapsed into the couch in the middle of the room and lit a cigarette. He took a very long drag, smoking almost half of the cig in one breath, his leg bouncing anxiously.

"You're on it again, aren't you?" Dave muttered. He already knew the answer.

Kurt scoffed. "Well obviously I'm not on it right now, otherwise I wouldn't be feeling like this." He was angry and he snapped at Dave and then immediately regretted it. "I'm sorry," he mumbled. It wasn't fair that he was lashing out at Dave; he was his best friend for Christ's sake and he was letting him sit in his room right now and putting up with Kurt's more so than normal moodiness while he went through withdrawal. That was most of the reason why he was here actually: he didn't want Lily to see him like this – not after last night.

"I thought you were done with that shit," Dave said. He sounded almost heartbroken. He'd watched too many of his friends in the industry destroy their lives with drugs and alcohol, and he thought and hoped and prayed that Kurt had put all that behind him. But apparently he hadn't.

"I thought I was too," Kurt sighed. "I've just been feeling...bad, lately. And I needed something to make it stop, and heroin's worked in the past so I just...called Dylan."

Dave nodded. He hated everything about his friends' drug abuse but he did understand it. "Was it for your stomach or your head?" he asked.

Kurt lit another cigarette as he thought about it. "Both? I mean, the more stressed I get, the more my stomach hurts. And it's actually been pretty good lately, ever since I got that doctor – the one who actually helps – so I guess it was more for my head..."

Dave nodded again, thinking over Kurt's words and running through the past few weeks in his mind. "Is this why you've been acting so fucking weird?" He finally said. "Like, at SNL you were being weird and distant and this whole tour you've hardly spent any time with us. I know that you've been spending a lot of time with Lily and Bean, but is this why you've been so distant?"

Kurt stared at the ceiling, his eyes filling with tears. "Yeah," he managed to say without his voice cracking. "I didn't want you to be disappointed...and I know how you feel about it, and I thought I could keep it under control this time, you know?"

Dave watched as his friend slowly broke down on his couch. As long as he'd known Kurt he had been one of if not the best person in his life, and he'd also been the most tortured. And as anyone who loves a broken person will tell you, it's fucking hell watching someone you care about so much go through so much pain.

"I'm not disappointed, man," he laughed dryly. "I love you, I just want you to be healthy and happy and shit. I'm just fucking worried about you."

"Ah, Jesus," Kurt groaned. "That's so much worse!"