About a Girl

chapter forty one

It was a quiet, rainy day in early May and Kurt and Lily were relaxing at home, enjoying having time together on Lily's day off from the record shop. She had been working nonstop, saving every penny she made for the baby, and Steve had finally forced her to take a few days off. So now she was curled up on the couch with Kurt, her head resting in his lap, both of them reading silently and listening to the Buzzcocks.

Kurt had been trying to explain to Lily that she didn't need to work as much as she was, that he made plenty of money for both of them and for any children they would have, but Lily was undeterred. She had grown up as the poorest of the poor, living off of food stamps and welfare – and sometimes not even that when her parents would forget to pick up the checks – and old habits die hard. She refused to let her daughter grow up the way she had, and while she didn't doubt that Kurt would provide for them, she was terrified of being blindsided and left with no job and no money. So she kept working, even though it exhausted her and left her worn out and miserable.

The CD they were listening to ended, and Lily got up to put in a new one. She flicked through their extensive CD collection, between the two of them they had everything from Mayhem to Madonna, before settling on a Bikini Kill tape that Kathleen Hanna had given to Kurt as a gift. Lily had nearly lost her mind when Kurt told her he and Kathleen were friends, and she'd been begging for him to introduce her for months. Bikini Kill was one of her favorite bands and she was infuriated that they hadn't released an album yet. She loaded the tape into the boombox sitting on the window sill and pressed play, smiling as music filled the air.

She laid back down on the couch, placing her head back on Kurt's lap and smiling up at him. At that moment, as Rebel Girl blasted through the speakers, Lily felt something stirring inside her, just below her stomach. She gasped, looking down and touching her bump where she had felt the movement.

"What is it, baby?" Kurt asked, looking up from his book.

"I-" Lily tried to speak, but her tongue was frozen, her lips stuck in an open-mouthed smile. "I just felt Bean move." She finally whispered.

"Really?!" Kurt said excitedly.

"Yeah!" Lily replied. She grabbed his hand and pressed it against the spot on her stomach where she could feel their baby fluttering around inside. "I guess she likes Bikini Kill."

Kurt laughed. "I guess so..." They were quiet for a few minutes, just listening to the music and staring in awe at Lily's stomach.

"We should name her Kathleen," Lily said, breaking the silence.

"That's a good idea," said Kurt, smiling at her. "I was thinking about Frances, or just calling her Bean."

Lily frowned. "I don't know if I like Frances..." she said shyly. "But I do like Bean. We could make that her middle name."

Kurt nodded. "Okay, so Kathleen Bean Cobain?" he asked.

Lily bit her lip, thinking the name over. "Kathleen Bean sounds kinda weird..." she mused.

"Yeah, it does," laughed Kurt. A moment passed as they tried to think up other names.

"What about Margaret?" Lily asked quietly.

Kurt smiled sadly. "Tessa's middle name?"

Lily nodded. "I want to honor her, because she was such a good sister to me, and the only real family I have, and because without her I never would've met you and I probably wouldn't even be alive today...but I don't want to name our baby Theresa, because that just doesn't feel right...so, what about Margaret?"

Kurt could feel his eyes stinging with tears. He missed Tessa every day, and he knew Lily did too. She had been such an amazing, powerful being. She had shined as bright as the stars and when she died, it was like the sun had been extinguished. When she died, a hole was ripped in the fabric of their lives, and for years it felt like they would never be happy again. Without Tessa, Kurt wouldn't be the person he was now – he probably wouldn't have even made it to 17 without her – and he knew the same could be said for Lily. They owed so much to Theresa Margaret Stevens, and he couldn't think of a better name for their daughter.

"That's perfect, baby," he whispered, kissing Lily softly. "Margaret Bean is perfect."

Lily smiled, but soon her smile vanished. Her emotions swelled and her heart ached for her big sister. For so much of her life, Tessa was the only person who was there for her, who protected her, who loved her. She never had any friends other than Tessa and Kurt, and she loved them more than anything. When Tessa died, and Kurt ran away, she was alone. Now, laying on the couch with Kurt, she couldn't stop the flood of sadness washing through her as she remembered the love she had for her sister, the feeling of being near someone as astonishing as Tessa had been, and the emptiness that rotted away at her when she died. Lily burst into tears, clutching at Kurt as she cried out in pain and sorrow. Kurt held onto the shaking girl, tears falling from his own eyes as she sobbed into his chest.

"I-I miss her, Kurt," Lily cried. "I miss her so much. I want her back! I want my sister back!"

"I know...I miss her too," Kurt sniffled.

They stayed curled in each other's arms, crying for someone they loved – that was gone forever – to come home. Grief is a horrible, haunting thing. It digs its claws into your ribs and pulls you down into the darkness and there's nothing you can do to stop it. It's not an illness, it's an effect. Grief never goes away, it never eases, no matter how much time passes. But it will never be all that there is. The sun will always rise, the moon will always glow, art will always exist, and there will always be people who will hold you while you cry. You just have to find them and let them hold you.

"We're still here," Kurt whispered. "I'm still here. And I'm not leaving."

Lily's sobs quieted for a moment and she looked up, her eyes meeting Kurt's. No matter how many times she looked into them, his beautiful bright blue eyes would never cease to make her heart stop.

"We'll name our baby Margaret, and we'll have our own family, and we'll keep Tessa with us in our hearts and our memories and in our baby's name. And we'll be ok." His lips curved in a small, sad smile, his eyes still shining with tears.

Lily was quiet for a moment as Kurt's words hung in the air. She could feel them sinking into her skin and slowly mending the cracks in her heart. "Promise?" she finally said, her voice soft and pleading.

Kurt took Lily's face in his hands, looking deep into her eyes, a serious look on his face. "I promise."

He sealed his promise with a kiss, swearing to Lily that he wouldn't leave, that he would stay by her side, love her, keep her safe, and hold her hand when the noise in her head got loud. Lily was perfect to him. There was so much locked away inside her heart and so much of it was the same as what Kurt had locked in his. She understood him like no one ever had, and she made sense to him like no one else did. They saw the world in the same way – overwhelmingly beautiful and breathtakingly terrible – and she felt things just as intensely as he did. He knew that they had issues, and that things wouldn't always be easy. They were always going to be sad, haunted people, but he wasn't afraid of that. For once in his life, Kurt wasn't afraid of the things that hurt him. He knew where his life was going, and he knew that Lily was going to be there with him.