Meant To Be.. (kenjorine)

trans?

(butters pov)

After our little visit with the "head person in charge" I know now because Bradley said, I walk down back into my room with my head down. Pete had an outburst in there and they took him somewhere.. I'm scared for what it is too.. I open the door to my room and see Riley look up at me, "hey! What happened?" I sigh, "I got in trouble cause I snuck into a room" she raises her eyebrows, "don't you have a boyfriend?" My face heats up, "no no we didn't do that!! I was just helping him!!"
She puts down her phone, "ohh okay-" I sit on my bed, "soo- who was your "partner"? Is she nice" she shrugs, "I got paired with a boy.." I give a look of disbelief, "a boy?! Why though? What did he look like?" "He was emo, had red hair and black streaks, some emo clothes, and it looks like he hasn't slept in days. I only know he's a boy cause he told me before we left and it left me all confused" oh so it's Pete.. "what was his name?" I ask. "Alice, I don't know why.." oh right. His old name.
"Oh." I say, trying to act confused. I don't just wanna out somebody without their permission.. "yeah it was weird, boys are gross to kiss. No offense" I laugh, "it's fine."

-a month later..

I stare at the ceiling, thinking about the fact that Pete is trans. Not necessarily about him. Just the fact about being "transgender". It's  just.. on my mind.  It's been on my mind for a month. I don't know the exact reason. I hear the door to the bathroom click and Riley gets out, her hair all wet and in pyjamas. A band t-shirt and dark red sweatpants. "You can take a shower if you want now" I look up and nod, getting out of the comfortable position I was in and entering the bathroom. The mirror is still steamy, definitely because Riley had just taken a shower.
I get undressed but something feels.. off. I take a dry towel and wipe the mirror off so I can see myself. It's just normal for me.. I have my longish hair that I haven't cut in a while though. That's the one part that makes me feel good. So why won't the rest?! (I'm not stereotyping that girls should have long hair, it's just that butters or, marjorine feels better with the longer hair)
For some reason I just feel sick looking at myself. And I feel like something is missing. Maybe it's because I haven't seen Kenny in a long time? I don't know.. but it makes me want to cry. I can't look at myself anymore. I turn away from the mirror and just take a shower.

..

Great. Now showering feels weird.. then I think about the "transgender" thing again as the hot water flows down my hair. Could it have a connection? No.. it can't be. I need to be sure. All I know is that something has been off. And to be honest, something has been off my whole life. Maybe I haven't noticed then but I definitely do now. I need to talk to Riley and Pete. Maybe they could understand..
I get out of the shower and instantly wrap my whole body in the towel. I've been doing that lately, I feel weird not doing it.. I dry off and get changed into my hello kitty pyjamas. I can't get over hello kitty even if I tried. I walk out of the bathroom and look towards Riley, who's on her phone. "Hey Riley..?"
She looks up from her phone, "what's up?" I freeze up for a second. Should I really tell her? Fuck it. "So, do you know about trans people..?" She stares at me now, "yeah I do. Why?" I sigh, "I might be.. I don't know.." she tilts her head, "you think you may be a girl?" I nod, "yeah Uhm.. everytime I look at myself I feel bad.." she stand up, "let's try something. Go into the bathroom" I confusedly walk into the bathroom and she follows.
"Im gonna make you look like a girl and less like a boy with long hair, okay?" I nod and she goes into her closet. I sit down on the chair Infront of the bathroom counter, waiting for her. She comes back in and holds a tank top and a bra. I look at her confused, "I don't have a chest, why would I need a bra?" She puts the bra and tank top on the counter, "I know some girls are flat, but anyway I'm gonna try to maybe stuff some tissues to make it look like you have a chest, are you okay with that?"
I nod and look at the clothes. "Okay so I'm gonna have you out on the tank top now and then I'll stuff your or- my bra over top of it and then you'll wear a shirt over it. Got that?" "Yep!" I say and she leaves the bathroom so I can get changed. I take off my white hello kitty shirt and try not to look at myself. I don't want to feel bad again.. I put the tank top on, and it surprisingly fits well.
"You can come in now" I say and she walks in.
"Okay time to make you have fake boobs-" she laughs and I do too. Is this what feeling support is like? Cause I barley get that. She puts the bra on over the tank too I'm wearing and I hear up, just for feeling a bit embarrassed. It's a pretty right sports bra, it's probably because.. I'll admit she has some pretty big.. haha.. she stuffs some tissues and I look in the mirror and burst out laughing, "I look like an idiot!!" I say and she chuckles.
"Oh the paiinn- yeah you'll look like an idiot beneath your shirt." She gets out a crop top and then one of her band t shirts. "So, which one do you wanna try on?" I shake my head, "I dont have your style. I'll look in my closet for something." I get up from the chair and towards my closet. I skim through the clothes and see my melody cardigan. (I actually have one irl lol) okay, that's good. I put it on and walk back into the bathroom. She covers the mirror, "what don't look yet we are not done!" I laugh as she pushes me out of the bathroom. She goes into her closet and brings out a black skirt and then light blue baggy jeans.
"You wanna wear a skirt or wear the best type of jeans?" I think for a moment. I don't think I would find myself wearing skirts that often though, so I go for the safest option and take the jeans from her hand. She smiles, "the better choice" I roll my eyes, "okay now let me get changedd-" she walks into the bathroom so she can't see me and I get changed into the jeans. I wanna see myself badly but for some reason she wants me to see later? I don't know.
"Done?" She says. "Yeah" I reply and she steps out of the bathroom. "Not my style but, you rock it!" I giggle and she points to her bed, "go sit down, do you wanna try some light makeup?" Do I? I mean, I do kind of hate my face. I hate how masculine it is.. not that girls can't have masculine faces it's just not for me.. "yeah, I would like to" I say. She goes into her backpack and takes out a small bag. "I brang some extra makeup just Incase"
She does wear some cool makeup. I like her eye makeup especially, the heavy eyeliner is cool. Oh wow, I'm already obsessing over makeup. "You want my type of makeup or just some natural makeup?" I look at her, "natural, I don't think I could rock your makeup" she smiles and gets out some stuff that I don't even know the name of. I've never really thought about makeup until now anyways.

(Gonna make this into two parts so this chapter isn't too long and the next chapter isn't too short. So I'll post later! :D)