Chasing The Moon

Chapter 3

RHIANE

I am currently in the Cemetery, I decided to visit my grandparents and my mom's grave since it's their death anniversary today.

It's been five years, pero hindi ko parin alam kung tanggap ko na ba. This is the first time I went here this year. Ngayon lang kasi lumakas ang loob ko na harapin ang realidad.

Wala na sila.

Telling myself before that I would never come back here again, but here I am again standing in front of her grave.

Medyo matagal na rin pala pero nandito parin yung sakit. I don't want to pass by her grave, but my feet brought me here. I smiled bitterly as I looked at the name written on the tombstone.

In Loving Memory of

Amaris Cortez

May 5 2000 — March 18 2020

Dito rin siya naka libing malapit sa puntod ni mom. It's been three years pero hindi parin ako maka move on. She still own my heart, I tried to forget her because I can't bring her back anymore pero hindi ko magawa. The grief she left behind is still with me.

Masakit parin.

She's my first love, I fell in love with so many things because of her. Sabi nila first love never dies, kaya siguro kahit matagal na s'yang wala ay hindi mamatay matay yung nararamdaman ko sa kan'ya.

I know I'm slowly healing dahil kahit papano kinaya ko ng pumunta rito.

I want to be with someone already para makapag simula ulit pero the fear of losing someone you love is always holding me back to fall for someone again. I don't want to go back to the way it was before.

Nakaka trauma.

I didn't notice my tears was already streaming down my cheeks. Eto na naman yung iyak na hindi ko mapigil.

I took the bracelet with a moon pendant from my pocket. Staring at it while gently caressing the pendant. 

I'm tired Amaris, pagod na kong umasa na pag gising ko ay panaginip lang lahat ng nangyari. I want to move forward and start my new life alone.

Maybe it's time to face everything. Wala ka na...kailangan kong tanggapin lahat. Yung mga pangarap natin na walang katapusan, siguro ako nalang ang matutuloy no'n mag isa.

I will never forget kung paano mo pinaalala  sa akin na hindi pa huli ang lahat para mag simula. I never imagined na mawawala ka nalang bigla sa buhay ko, but maybe we're not the right person for each other. Maybe in another life may chance pa kung tayo talaga. At kung hindi man, sana may isa pang Amaris na dumating sa buhay ko para bigyan ako ng dahilan na maging masaya ulit. 

Give me a sign Amaris.

I placed the bracelet next to Amaris' grave along with the flowers.

She gave that bracelet to me on my 18th birthday and that was the day I became her girlfriend. She also love moon dahil sabi n'ya it reminds her of someone. Simula din no'n ay nahulog na rin ako sa ganda ng buwan.

I'm afraid of the dark but every time I see the moon I feel safe. Maybe it's the only thing I can keep that symbolizes her.

Pero sana pagdating ng araw ay saya na ang maramdaman ko sa tuwing titignan ko ito. Hindi ko na kailangan pilitin pa ang sarili para ngumiti.