Will We Talk?

53- Rise

Oh shit.

I can't just fold and give in after he'd made my life a living hell for the past 4 days. The audacity this man had. But was I going to ignore him? Foolishly not.

There was still that bit of my heart- a bit that would always remain- in which I couldn't let go of him, I couldn't stop loving him. It ached for him. It yearned for him. Every time I think or thought of him, my stomach would fill with butterflies and my heart would burst, but I don't feel that way. Nor do I feel cold towards him, it wasn't just me who was impacted by the split, and I had to embrace that. And, if I wanted to reconcile with him, I'd have to be the same Evie I always have been around him.

Sam: just wondering how ur doing, dont feel like u need to reply x

Evelyn: Hiya Sam, thx for the msg. I'm doing alright I suppose, hows things with u? :)

Sam: didn't think youd respond x

Evelyn: Why shouldn't I?

Sam: bc of the shit i said to u x

Evelyn: Tell me, how r u? x

Sam: im good. hurts that u dont want to be around me tho :(

Evelyn: Do u blame me for not wanting to see u tho? x

Sam: not rly

Sam: im a prick, i know, but pls go along on saturday, ill just stay home x

Evelyn: I can't do that Sam, theyre ur mates too x

Sam: i want u to have a gd time, ill be fine x

Evelyn: Such a gent, thanks Sam. Take care x

Sam: always here for u darlin xx

This was the time we've broke the cycle. The cycle that we found ourselves in that just went on and on, like a broken record: replaying and replaying just with different scenarios and stories to entertain those around us. We were pathetic. Neither of us are healthy. Our relationship isn't healthy. Although I told him I was doing well and he told me he was good, its obvious the two of us aren't. There's that tension there that gnaws at us, tearing us apart, but, in some ways, pulling us closer. It's this tension that I wish would become stronger, to get this phase to pass quicker than it would normally.

I'd woken up nice and fresh this morning after seeing everyone yesterday, they convinced me to get my arse back into gear and live. I'm young- I have experiences to have and struggles to pass through, I don't want to sit around and wallow in self pity and hatred because of a boy. A stupid boy. Except for he wasn't one of the stupid ones. He was a good one. A work in progress one. He needs a break. I need a break. Maybe a break is all this is?

Cassie: I saw Yvonne the other day, she told me what's going on. Why don't you come along to the office for a quick catch up today?

Evie: I'd like that, thanks Cassie.

Well, at least now I had an excuse to go somewhere, rather than venture the streets I'd been walking around since I was a little tot. Me and Cassie went from face-to-face sessions to phone calls after Christmas while everything was clearing up and everything got slightly better. Then came the royal fuck up that's ruined everything.

Sluggishly, I tossed my legs over the side of my bed and rocked myself forward to stand. Feeling like I was going to pass out, I placed a hand on the nearest wall and closed my eyes. I'd not stood in 4 days and it was time to fight the consequences. My body felt weak. My body was weak. I hadn't provided myself with proper nutrients- only water. Not only that, but I hadn't taken proper care of my ankle during that time period. But it needed rest, anyways.

My biggest debate of the day was what to wear. What should I wear to cover myself up?

Joggers and a tight band shirt was the choice of the day. Nothing too special. Enough to cover me up. Enough to keep me cool. I threw my brown puffer coat over the top and headed out.

The sun was out and there was a refreshing breeze flowing in my hair as I limped the fastest I could towards Cassie's office.

*****

"It's hard, I know." Cassie consoled, pen in one hand and another holding my own hand, "So, what have you been doing since that happened? How much would you say its affected your life?" she interrogated.

"Nothing. Like I've been in the same spot for the last 4 days." I complained after drying my sobs, a hand raking through my hair, "Then I had a visit yesterday from everyone which just motivated me to do something."

"Yeah, Yvonne was telling me about that." she added, "And how are you feeling about it all today?"

"The same, really." I shrugged, "I knew I wanted to come out, but to where, I didn't know."

There was a pause, not awkward. Just a pause.

"He texted me this morning." I trembled, a feeling of something shooting up my spine as I said it.

Cassie's eyes shot up. They were icy and cold. The were firm and telling, "Who did?"

I picked at my lips, "Sam." I mumbled.

"Saying what? Nothing bad, I hope." she gasped, making it seem now like a general conversation than a therapy session.

"Oh. No, no. It was the opposite of bad. He asked how I was and told me he wouldn't go out on Saturday, just for me to have a good time." I explained, feeling bad for him, "God, I feel so petty saying that out loud." I scoffed.

Cassie's eyes were fixed on me. Her demeanour was somewhat sour, "Don't let him make you feel like that. Its not petty at all. The insensitive things he said are all untrue." I nodded, "Everyone heals in their own time, Evelyn, you just seem to take a little longer. And guess what? That's okay."

She's right. It's completely valid to be feeling the way I do. I've been through the wars and back and I'm allowed to grieve and feel sorrowful for myself.

"It feels a bit selfish, though." I sighed.

"It feels like it, but I assure you it isn't. It's the best thing for you, and if it's best for you, it'll have to be good enough for everyone else." Cassie stated.

If she wasn't my therapist, I think Cassie would definitely be a good friend of mine. She really helps me understand how I'm feeling and why I'm feeling that way, lifting some pressure from my weighed-down shoulders. It helps me to process everything better, teaches me how to cope thoroughly.