Will We Talk?

52- Normal (Sam)

Sam's POV:

You'd not believe how angry I was at myself. How angry I was for not talking civilly with her. How frustrated I was for saying such gut-wrenching shit to her, that'd obviously hit close to home. I'd pushed her over the edge. I was the reason we were apart. The reason I wasn't happy and a drunk again- picking fights with my own fucking reflection. Just like that night she cleared me up. The night I snapped at her and she forgave me almost instantly. She was my haven; she was my safety net. Without her, I could just disappear.

I may as well just disappear.

Maybe I could do this big disappearing act and make everything better for everyone. But then what would my mam think? What would Liam think? What would dad think? What would Dean think? What would Evelyn think?

Would she care?

Of course she wouldn't.

My stomach performed somersaults just thinking about the wrecking comments I yelled at her. The words that were tied up in the back of my head with apologies and I love yous, but I decided to criticise her and hurt her. The way her face broke, it was obvious that I'd smashed her into the smallest smithereens that'd be difficult to place back together.

But I couldn't.

I couldn't fix the puzzle.

I couldn't put us back to normal.

I'd went too far this time. I crossed a line that was so obviously not meant to be crossed in the first place. I'm the problem.

"Oi, big lad, come here reet now." Dean called, braying on my bedroom door at my mam's.

Yep: I'd found myself hidden in my room, just like when I was little, living in mam's house, depending on her for my basic needs. I'm like a child. I act like a child.

But I didn't want to put up with Dean right now, I wanted to just curl up and cry. I needed my mam. I really did. But she's out for the weekend, so I couldn't really have her.

My door opened so it was slightly ajar, "I'm warning you, Sam, if you don't come out now, you'll kna 'boot it."

"Fine." I scoffed, rolling from my bed and avoiding the guitar that was perched beside me, "Spare me the lecture." I said as we stepped outside, immediately taking a drag.

"Spare you? Fucking spare you? You're joking, aye." Dean laughed, "I divnt think it. What did you say to that girl to put her in the place she's at?"

I looked up through my overgrown fringe, the hairs somewhat covering my vision. I didn't want to admit it, but he was going to pull it out of me either way, "Said some pretty spiteful shit, Dean. Shit I didn't actually mean. Shit I'd take back in a heartbeat."

"So?" he pushed, eyebrows rising farther up his face.

"Told her to suck it up, that she miscarried... and there's nowt she can do about it." I coughed, squinting my eyes as I cringed at my own words, "Told her it was just a one night stand and that she didn't actually know me."

"Low." Dean tutted, "We're all gannin to see her later. Poor lass has disappeared from the face of the earth." he explained.

"Can- em... Can I come along?" I spluttered.