Will We Talk?

54- Busy

After the session, it was a little past lunch time and I'd convinced myself to try and have a little bite to eat. So, as a treat, I decided to take myself to a small cafe along the coast.

When I got there, I ordered myself a chicken salad and a bottle of water and located myself on a table big enough for me and my cast to fit snugly. They'd gave me one of those things that would beep when my order was ready, which was advanced for the cafe compared to when I was last here. It hadn't changed anymore, just an increase in customers so it was a little cluttered with tables and chairs.

Today, it wasn't too busy- seeing as though its a school day- just the odd grandparents and baby or coastal worker. It was nice to sit at the window and observe everyone's day-to-day life and how it differs from my own.

Sat there content with life, I planned out my day ahead. I'm doing well on crutches and coping decently on my own, I just need to distract myself for the remainder of today. If it were a normal day, I'd be heading to the gym then to work later on, but its far from a normal day.

After eating and planning my day, I'd found myself at the studio flat scribing vigorously onto my notebook the thoughts and experiences I'd had in the past week. Having a chaotic life means that I can write about things, which is fortunate when I'm currently striving to be a song writer. I wrote tons down, but whether this would be my own song or if it was for someone else, I didn't know. All of the shit I wrote down probably wasn't going to be used in the same song anyways.

There was one song that I liked that wasn't really aimed, I just felt aggressive at the time of writing it. After writing the words for that, I got my electric guitar out and switched on the amp, fiddling around with the strings for a little while. I needed more than just strings and a piano, though. Maybe I'd steal Tom or Drew from Sam for a quick writing sesh.

I riffed new lyrics aloud for a while as the piano sat in front of me, working out chords that matched.

Maybe I'd have to hire out a studio. Somewhere where there's access to more instruments: more noise. Maybe I'd take a trip down to London and record there. Or maybe, I'd stay up here and record here. I didn't care what I did, this song had potential.

*****

Half an hour is all it took for me to write the song, record it on my phone and play piano and guitar separately. The problem with having no more Sam is that I had no more access to all of the good resources.

As much as I'm not on good terms with him right now, I was buzzing for his album to come out. His voice was a breath of fresh air for the modern music community and all of his songs had a unique edge to them. The world is in for a shock. Some of the writing he does is impeccable- just the way he can make music on the spot. Me? I prefer to take my time. He was the spontaneous kind, I was the structured kind.

After being in the studio for an hour or so, I decided to go and see mam and dad since I hadn't saw them since God knows when. But when I went to text them I was on my way around, I got a text from someone more unexpected.

Shirley: Hiya love, Sam's just informed me of his most recent fuck up and I'm so sorry about that, my darling. I hope I'll be able to see you sometime again in future. All the best to you pet.
Shirley xxx

That was the text that put everything into place. It was a punch to the gut. We hadn't only gotten ourselves tangled up in our relationship, it meant that our families- who got equally as close- were also in the middle of our spat too. Maybe the two of us had been a little selfish, not thinking about all of them. It hurt me to think I'd never see Shirley as the mother-in-law I hoped she'd be to me ever again. She was my second maternal figure and sometimes even first, but mine and Sam's fallout had put a strain on her. On us.

Evie: Don't you worry about us, Shirl. I'm so sorry for putting you and your family in a tough position with the split. Love yous all eternally. Evie x

I spent a while debating what to type back because I didn't want to beg for sympathy, nor did I want to just toss everything that happened to one side. Then it hit me, what if Sam was still with her?

Then it hit me that he hadn't had anywhere else to go- I'd genuinely kicked him to the streets.

Sam: We need to talk x

Evelyn: Sam, we've talked about it, I don't want to think about it anymore. Sorry, but I'm not ready x

Sam: I'll be here when you are ready. I want to get over this Evie x

Evelyn: It's not going to be easy Sam, I'm not running back to you like I used to x

Sam: I'll always be here x

Evelyn: Stop saying that, Sam.

Sam: but I am x

Evelyn: Alright Sam, its not going to be easy tho

It really isn't easy.

On one hand, I'd love to just fling myself into his arms and forgive him, going back to the way we once were. Maybe even better than last time- if we could one up from that. I want to have an argument every so often and either I'd treat him as an apology or the other way around. I want to hug him on the sofa, my grip tighter than it needs to be, as though I'm cutting off his circulation. The things I'd give to have date nights and nights spent with families back. The things I'd do to see him just one more time with Zara and Zander, treating them as though they were his own.

But on the other hand, I liked the independent side of life. I liked just being friends with lads and talking to them without worrying what Sam would think. Freedom sounds really nice to me. It wasn't that I'd been restricted before, it was just that I'm an over-thinker and get into my own head. I wanted to focus on a career, I wanted to walk around Newcastle without being called 'Sam Fender's bird'. My big goal was to make a name for myself, but I can't do that if he's constantly correlated back to me. He wants to make a name for himself too, with all of these tours being planned and the album coming out in a few months, and who was I to get in the middle of all that?

But I love him.