Will We Talk?

31- Jealous

Waking up in the lead up to Christmas is never an issue for me. What can I say? I'm a big kid at heart. But waking up to a baby's cry is different. I no longer felt uplifted, instead I felt heavy. No one else in the house was awake, I knew they wouldn't be, so I took it upon myself to see to the bairns. The house was quiet. You could hear a pin drop if Zander's cries weren't so loud. But how hadn't his shrieks woken anyone else up?

I opened the door so that it was slightly ajar, peeping into the room, jumping as I saw a figure laying on the floor next to the cots. My heart jumped as this silhouette began to move, head rising first, then torso.

In a sudden and short moment of bravery, I stepped into the room, closing the door and turning on the lights.

"Turn them off, its 3 in the fucking morning." yawned the startled figure, picking Zander from his cot, "You're alreet bud, you get back to sleep."

Feeling a sense of relief, I let out a deep breath and covered my heart to emphasise the fright that Bailey just gave me.

"Yvonne really wasn't wrong when she said you're smitten." I chuckled, approaching the cots.

"They can't sleep in their own room, I can't let them yet." he excused himself, taking a seat on the floor, patting the space next to him for me to join, "What you doing up?"

"Can't kip for the life of is. I divnt kna if its excitement or what like." I sighed, suddenly getting a wave of fatigue.

"You should get some sleep, Evelyn. These are my kids not yours." he demanded, voices staying hush.

"Aye, and they're old enough for you to gan sleep with your girlfriend rather than them. Here's the deal, I'll try and sleep if you leave the kids alone." I offered as a compromise, hoping for the love of God I didn't have to stand here any longer.

"I dunna like. Its quite comfy doon here."

"Bailey, you're going to sleep in your bedroom with the mother of your children and you will have some of the best sleep you've ever had." he tried to protest, "And I'm not taking no for an answer."

"I'm sick of this like. I feel like shit all the time." he said, throwing his head in his hands.

"Aye, because you've literally just slept on the floor so that you could keep an eye on the babies." I sniggered.

"Makes sense." he puffed, looking around the room one last time before leaving.

I followed him into the bedroom that had a light glow of Yvonne's phone around it, just to confirm he was doing as I told him. As she looked up and saw him, her face immediately lit up. She then spotted me and mouthed a 'Thank you' before I left them to it.

Two kids at once must be proper tricky. Especially seeing as though they're first time parents too. But, its a good job they have a family that would drop everything in a heartbeat for them. Well, I'm speaking from my behalf, whether or not Bradley would look after the twins, I wouldn't know.

Venturing quietly back to my room proved to be quite the challenge, floorboards creaking as I stepped on them in moments of bewilderedness in the dark.

Luckily, Sam was still snoring away when I walked into my room. But I couldn't get to sleep, no matter how much I tried. So, I walked into my en suite and sat myself on the cold tiles on the floor. And it got me thinking. And when I think, its never usually good.

This particular moment wasn't good either. Spending the night in the house where I found out I was pregnant, alongside my niece and nephew being here too really picked at my heart. It was tearing me apart knowing that I could've had my baby here with us too, and I would be tired and look a mess all the time, like my brother.

Being a misery like this wrecked me, constantly crying all the time seriously worn me out. It sounds sad, but sometimes crying myself to sleep is the only possible effective way for me to sleep. However, I can't cry because Sam's literally centimetres away from me when in bed. That's why I took it upon myself to cry in the bathroom.

The acoustics in there must've been too loud as I soon heard a knock on the door. I jolted from my trance, looking at my red puffy eyes in the mirror, before wiping them and opening the door.

"You've been crying." Sam whispered, staying put as I stood opposite, gazing up at him.

Nothing could stop me- all I could do was sob again.

"C'mon, lets get you back to bed." he grasped my shaking hands, guiding me towards the bed. He tucked me in, turning the bathroom lights off straight afterwards, then returning to my bed, sitting himself up next to me, "Want to tell is what's up?"

"A lot." I admitted, remaining straight on my back and staring at the ceiling, my eyes puddled.

"I'm here to talk, Evie." he insisted, also laying himself down, the exact way I was. Although, I did feel his eyes looking towards me.

"Its the baby, Sam." I gulped, raising my arms to my aching forehead, "I just feel so shit. I'd do anything to be in the same position Bailey and Yvonne are in. But here I am. Jobless. Childless."

"That all?"

"I'm jealous Sam. I'm jealous. I don't want to be jealous. I want to love my godchildren, not be jealous of them." I bawled, Sam consequently pulling me into his arms.

We stayed like that for a while, me sobbing into Sam's neck as he rubbed my back comfortingly. I wonder how he felt as I cried about another man's child. Would he have even been in my life if I had the baby? I'm unsure what I would've done, I just can't imagine life without him now. He was great and I'd never felt love like this for anyone at all.

"You need some rest, Evie." he mumbled into my hair.

"I do." I sniffed, unravelling myself from him.

"You don't deserve any of that darlin', but look at how strong that's made you." he commented, leaving a kiss in my hair before I felt myself drift off.

I did, however, manage to stay conscious long enough to hear him say "I love you more than words can say, Evelyn Victoria.".

My heart exploded as I tried to mask the smile making its way onto my face.