Will We Talk?

2- Mirrors

It had been a week since the morning I woke up in Fran and Rylee's house and I hadn't drank a thing for the whole of that week. Baby steps. Since that conversation with them, I searched for a therapist and had saw her twice already.

Her name's Cassie and she's made me feel less ashamed for what I did. She was great at making me feel welcome, comfortable and heard- even after two sessions with her. That's how I made the decision to set up two weekly sessions until I'm properly recovered and we'd limit it to one. Hopefully, I become well enough to see her once every other month or something. I'm sure I would as I was already heaps more confident.

I'd woken up one morning to a text from one of my colleagues, claiming we were in need of a coffee date and I agreed. Since I left school, I've been working in admin and the lady who mentored me had soon became my 'work mam'. Although unaware why, she wanted to help me through being so upset and angry all the time.

Nicola (work): Alright darling? Missed u at work this week, hope all is well. Got a day off tomorrow so was wondering if u fancy a coffee date? xx

Evelyn: Feeling much better, thanks. Will be back at work soon, promise. Coffee date sounds great, I'll drive for u around 10am tmo x

Cassie said that going out would really ease my anxieties and slowly release me back into the normal world. She also told me that having lots of friends I can talk to would be great.

******

To be quite honest, today feels like one of those days I want to stay in bed and binge shit TV shows the whole day. But I had a date with my work mam planned, and I couldn't back down now.

Following the productive 10 minutes of scrolling through my phone, I decided I'd have myself an apple and glass of water to keep me going. That's all that had been appetising me recently, but then I've never been too keen on breakfast. It wasn't much but it kept me going until dinner.

The clock struck 8:30 and it was about time I go and get ready.

Roaming through the corridors of my flat, I slowly reminded myself of the neglected nursery that sat in the room adjacent to mine.

A sickly sweet feeling rose in me, telling me to go in and pretend what could've been. Hands shaking, my palms shook above the doorknob, deciding whether or not to go in as trepidation coursed around my body.

Not today.

I walked off towards the bathroom and sniffed the tears that were trying to fight their way out. Brushing my teeth that morning was the worst- why had I done that to myself?

"Compose yourself man Evelyn." I spat at myself in the mirror.

With one last deep breath, I walked out the bathroom and went to choose my outfit for the day: a cropped shirt, jeans, air forces and a black cardigan. I felt confident, hence why I wore a cropped shirt, rather than the typical hoodie and shorts.

I stood for a while in front of my mirror, stripped to my underwear. My body looked different to the last time I did this, I'd grown and shrunk in places that I never noticed. I picked at the things I hated: stretch marks on my thighs, the way my ribs stuck out, hip dips.

But I was looking skinnier, and that was confirmed when I pulled my jeans up and being confused by the gapping at the back. It aggravated me as I hadn't lost weight intentionally and also because now I had to wear a belt.

The clock was reading 9:03 when I sat to do my hair and makeup.

My hair hadn't been washed in four days- when Fran came over and showered me- so it would be easy to style. With my great patience, almost a whole tub of gel and half a can of mousse, my dark and thick hair was slicked back into a bun with a middle parting. I must say, I looked great.

Makeup was never a big deal for me; mascara, concealer, eyebrows, eyeliner and lip gloss did the job for me. So with a precise wrist and once again, loads of patience, I was finished with my makeup. Due to summer, my freckles that ran from cheek to cheek were slightly more exposed and I quite liked it.

9:38- time to leave.

*****

My horn was honked in order to alert my colleague, making her aware I was outside. I didn't want to knock as I knew she had teenagers, who were in their 6 weeks holidays, and would therefore want their sleep.

Nicola's beaming face was so infectious as she walked down the walkway towards my car. It was nice to see her after the week that felt like an eternity.

"Hiya hinny." she smiled as she got into the passenger seat of the car.

"I've missed you so much, Nic. I've been a right mess man." I laughed, pulling away from the curb, rocking us back and forth as I did so.

"Well you're looking much better than you did last time you were at work." she claimed.

The drive to Newcastle's city centre was rather relaxed, especially as it was too early for others to be driving. That's one of the reasons I like summer: the drives. Driving kept me quite sane.