Connected 2 You

Home Sweet Home

After my session, the rest of the day just seemed to drag on slowly. When the buzzer to indicate dinner time finally sounded, my stomach flipped. I suddenly just felt nauseous. I picked at my food and only ate a few bites. My nerves seemed to bubble up to the surface more intensely than they had all day.

After dinner, we went back to our cells until lights out. All I could do as I waited, was pace back and forth. I gripped onto the book from Mavis before sitting on the edge of the bed. I flipped through a couple of the pages.

'When Nervous (Because we know it happens)'

I scoffed and felt my shoulders relax just a bit. She really did know me too well. I read through the section. There were several tips on breath control, as well as some techniques to center and ground myself. At the bottom was a little note: 'If all else fails, remember your safe place.'

As, yes, my safe place. When I had first started counseling with Mavis I was having at least 1 panic attack every couple of days. Dredging through trauma was hard for me to work through, so as an anchor she had given me homework: Find your safe place.

I never told her what it was, and she never asked. But, when it was harder to refocus, I would go to my safe place and I would calm down almost instantly. She could tell the power that it held over me, so I was thankful that she never asked to also invade that space.

In the last 6 months, I hadn't had a single panic attack, and therefore hadn't needed to use it. But, it was nice to know that it was always in my back pocket if I needed it.

The lights went out and I set the book down beside me on the bed. Then I laid down and stared up at the ceiling. I tried focusing on my breathing and closed my eyes.

In and Out

In and Out

Badum

Badum Badum

Badum Badum Badum

My eyes flew open as the lights came on, and I sat up blinking. Usually, I was wide awake before the lights came on, but for some reason this morning I had continued sleeping. And, for the first time in a while, I felt groggy.

My eyes adjusted to the light as the door slid open. I slid out from under the blanket and sleepily walked my way down to breakfast. I filled my tray up, feeling the hunger I had pushed away the night before. As I sat at a table I sleepily shoveled food into my mouth.

I stopped midway with a spoon to my mouth, when it hit me. I was leaving today. I set the spoon down and looked around me. Suddenly, all the nerves from the day before came barreling back at me. I sat staring at the rest of my food before eventually dumping it all out.

After breakfast, I wandered up to my room and began pulling pictures off the wall. Then I gathered up everything else that I had. A bit later a guard brought me a bag to use to carry everything and escorted me down to the processing section of the building.

I waved my wristband under the scanner and it turned green. The door slid open and the guard pointed down the corridor. "Front office is down that way."

I nodded and continued on by myself until I reached the office, where a woman sat behind a window.

"Name?"

"Um, Y/N Y/L/N."

She nodded and held out a scanner. "Wristband."

I held out my arm for her and she scanned it, reading off a few things from her screen. I verified and began to take my hand back.

"Do you want me to take the wristband off?"

"Really?" I choked out. This had been my identification for 18 months. It was how I got everywhere in the building. It opened the library and the health services wing for my sessions. It was also how they kept tabs on everyone.