I'll Run to You // Awsten Knight

Chapter 49 - Comfort

January 27, 2018

5:47 A.M.

"Awsten, you can't lock yourself in your room forever, come talk to one of us," his dad called from outside of his room.

The real fact that he was in his room all day made Awsten think, he was stuck in his mind all day and all he could ask himself was, was there true connection between them? Of course there was! He gave her everything he could, everything she wanted. He just had to ruin it with his stupid feelings and stupid missings of his ex. Ciara doesn't deserve the thoughts he'd been giving to her. But now all that was clouding his mind was Hope.

Just Hope. 

The one girl after Ciara that made him think there was hope. Funny, how her name is the same thing she made him feel. She made Awsten feel like there was hope in love, hope in true attraction, but something always had to go wrong. And it was always his fault.

God, everything he and Hope had done together was through hope. 

Those dates, the songs, all of the time he put into her was for nothing. It all turned out to be for nothing.

"Awsten?" His dad called again.

He sighed, the bed sheets were thrown lazily across his body and his room felt like 100 degrees; he started working up a sweat by lying there.

Awsten carefully got out of his bed, his legs numb from not using them, and it took a minute for him to finally regain his balance. He cautiously made his way to the door and opened it to see both of his parents inspecting him, they looked concerned, more like they would've cried with him if he had just asked.

"What happened?" Ginny almost whispered, she hated to see her son in such condition, the tired look in his eyes, the slumped posture, holding into the door handle just to keep him from falling over. Awsten had no energy to be answering questions.

So he simply said, "I kept Ciara's ring, and Hope found it, thought I was cheating on her, and she broke up with me." A beat passed. "Simple."

Another second passed before his mom made her way to him and pulled him into her arms. There was no more need to hold onto the door, because she wouldn't let go with that grip of a mother bear.

Awsten's dad soon came to join, "Did you try to explain to her?" He obviously had no idea what to say, he was hesitant, but his hug held so much more meaning than words ever could.

"There's no explaining anything. I wouldn't let Ciara explain when I found she was cheating on me, why would Hope do the same?" All of the talking made Awsten feel worse, but he felt like he needed to. "I doubt she let Eliza explain when she cheated on her."

He didn't know why he brought Hope's ex girlfriend into this, it didn't matter. She was long gone and this was about Awsten and Hope, not Hope and Eliza.

Ginny just squeezed Awsten tighter, "I'll get Gracie to talk to Hope, she'll listen to her... they're friends." There was no need to explain it, but the air was so dead and Awsten felt like he could go die with it and turn into the dust he felt like he was. Useless, gross, musty dust.

"Don't do anything," he answered too quickly. He thought he should try to contact Hope himself but there wasn't any use, it would make her block him faster if she hadn't already, but it couldn't necessarily stop his friends to talk to her or get a new account and beg her from there. None of it would work. It was all useless and a waste of time.

Frankly, that's all he felt like for hours.

But he couldn't do this for the next few weeks, he had to put on a brave face and a smile that seemed genuine, like he always used to have. God, he didn't even tell Geoff or Otto about what happened, what would they think of him? 

Obviously they would comfort him, but there would be at least one person who would have that "I told you so," attitude. No doubt this time it will be Travis. He talked to him about it too, he told Awsten that he should confess, but Awsten didn't listen and now he has to live with his awful mistakes.

He somehow is being forced to live without Hope to keep him stable in a world that crumbled him to bits.

When the three of them finally broke out of the hug, tears were mercilessly coming from Awsten, and when both of his parents saw, they teared up too. It's always a family thing, to see you child or sibling or parent crying and immediately feel so much sympathy and pain for them that you have to cry too.

Awsten didn't want sympathy, he didn't want them to feel his pain. Only he would feel the worst of it.

He put this on himself, and the pain was defined in so much detail he didn't know what to call what he was feeling. Was it pain or just torture?

Torture to himself and his heart, his mind. What he would give to just sit down with his emotions in place and break them down until he could feel every single one of them in the palm of his hand. 

What he would give to write something, a love song, something gut wrenching, or even the slightest of happiness he could bring back into his life. 

Geoff had his happiness, he was going to be a dad for Christ's sake, and it won't be long until he becomes one. Just a couple more months.

Otto had his happiness, his girlfriend, his farm with animals he could take up all of his time with.

What did Awsten have? A breakup, crying parents, no sister to talk to, and Jet was somewhere hiding from him because she doesn't stay around angry people.

That's all Awsten was, this angry, shell of the hopeful man that he used to be.

He was alone, and while alone wasn't a great place to be, it was safer. Safer than being with Hope in the moment, safer than staying with a friend, safer than resorting back to an ex.

His parents quietly leave Awsten by the doorway, and he closes himself in. He needs to sit down, he needs to do something with himself, but all that sounded good was the comfort of his bed. Not even the warm embraces of his parents. Just him in his bed alone.