To Infiniti & Beyond

Chapter Twenty-Four

I couldn't bring myself to straight up ask Grayson why he's been acting differently. Instead, I tried the three day rule. For three days, I didn't reach out. For three days, I got radio silence from him. It was on day four that I caved.

I texted him and asked if he was free to meet up and go for a walk tonight. He agreed. So, now I'm on my way and scared shitless about all the possible outcomes that could come of this.

I pull up first, he arrives less than five minutes later. We roll the windows down and he asks if I want to talk, to which I reply yes and we decide that he'll just hop in my car.

The silence isn't comfortable like it normally is with him and this frustrates me. As I muster up the courage to start speaking, he leads the conversation.

"I don't want to sugar coat anything. Can we talk about us?"

"I'm glad you're bringing that up, because it's what I wanted to talk to you about. Where is your head at? You've been off for awhile now..."

He begins by saying how much he's enjoyed my company, how "awesome" of a person I am, all the great times we've had together, how he doesn't regret anything, "but my ex reached out and I have to try again. If I don't I will regret it. Can you understand that?"

I swear I just felt my heart shatter. "It's not that I don't understand it, I just want to know why you're going back to her for a third time?"

"There's so much history, I mean we were together on and off for almost three years if not more. It's something I'm not ready to let go of just yet."

What about us though? What about our future and all the potential we have? You wanted me first... You pursued me... God, I wish I had the balls to say that. Instead, all I can manage is, "I understand, I respect your decision. You have to do what makes you happy, and if you believe that she is in your best interest then I wish you both the best of luck."

Sometimes I really hate being mature. I want to cry. I want to scream at him, grab his jacket by the fistfuls and tell him I love him, and that he's crazy for walking away from us. If it didn't work the first two times there's no reason it's going to work the third time. In this scenario there is no "third time's the charm."

"Obviously I'm not going to just jump right back into things with her. We've both got so much to work on separately before we can work on things together." He tries to state his case.

I could care less about his plans. The bottom line is that he is leaving me for her, and I am so completely and utterly stupid for letting myself fall in love with someone who wasn't mine to begin with.

He breaks the silence, "would you still like to go for that walk?"

It takes all my willpower to look up and force a smile instead of cry, "of course."

Town is quiet tonight seeing as it's late and the middle of the week. Our walk was filled with a whole lot of silence, the town being quiet made the silence seem so much louder. Even in the few moments of laughter there was no happiness. The whole vibe was somber. I enjoyed his company nonetheless.

Back at my car before he went to leave he gave me the most gut wrenching hug. His arms went around my shoulders and mine fell to his waist, he rested his chin on my head, we stood there swaying with the wind for an unknown amount of time. I think I pulled away too soon, I don't know when or even if I'll be able to feel his warmth again - it breaks my heart into a million more pieces.

He assured me we'd still be friends, that his ex wouldn't appreciate us hanging out alone but he'd still come to group outings. I miss him and he's not even gone yet.

Once he left, I got into my car and disassociated before bringing myself to update Eva, Maya, and Brynn. I want to cry but my body physically won't let me. It's absolute hell.

Messages from Maya and Brynn start rolling in, they're cut off by Eva's facetime call.

Her voice floats through the speaker, "I'm not going to ask if you're okay because how could you be." My eyes fill to the brim with tears as I try to laugh it off. "I'm here for you."

She is but she's not here, she's an hour and a half away at college but I'll take what I can get.

As I start to talk I start to cry. Voicing my feelings makes it real. I want nothing about this situation to be real. I want to go back to my birthday and the day after and just keep living that blissful life.

"It's completely boggled my mind how much can happen in less than two weeks. How is any of this fair? How do I deserve any of this? Why did she have to call him that night? We were so good." At this point I'm blubbering and mumbling but Eva is sitting there and intently listening to it all. For once she keeps all of her opinions and comments to herself and just lets me feel what I need to feel.

I've never been more thankful for her than I am right now.