To Infiniti & Beyond

Chapter Twenty-Five

It's been a handful of days since Grayson ended things. Some days are better than others. On the good days he sends me something on Instagram or slides up on my Snapchat stories and I believe he really meant it when he said we'd still remain friends. On the bad days, they started off good because I attempted to make a group hang out while feeling ready to see him - but turned bad when said attempted hang outs failed.

Day one and two I woke up hoping it was all a dream. I was crushed with the weight of reality when his name was not displayed on my phone screen. I don't remember the last time I had a good night's sleep. Even after I took the stuffed animals he used to sleep with off of my bed and changed my sheet I still tossed and turned. On the days I woke up having panic attacks I took off of work, sat in bed and cried. The lack of his presence in my life leaves me feeling cold and empty.

Attempting to cope, I rearranged my room. There is now no longer a spot designated for him to put his things on my desk. The baseball he gave me is thrown in a miscellaneous drawer - future me's problem. My bed faces the opposite way. My knicknacks are displayed differently. I've moved my shelving units around. I wanted to light a candle but the only one I had was the one he helped me pick out.

The second Eva got home from college she showed up without warning and ice cream in hand. We watched a movie before she headed home to her parents.

Eva supports me in getting back into the gym. She has also been encouraging when I tell her the small accomplishments of my independence. She's been my rock through this.

I've asked Brynn to meet up so I can talk on a couple of the days Eva hasn't been home and I've been feeling lonely. There has been no success rate with that. She's hard to get a hold of when it comes to things that don't involve Jaxon. Maya checks in frequently from college. I miss them both.

Since Grayson ended things, I've been debating on whether to reach out or not. I feel like I'm being torn apart from the inside out with all of these thoughts bouncing around in my head. So, I wrote a letter. It reads:
"I've been thinking a lot, and that hug felt like goodbye. This scares me. Over the past few months you've become such an important person in my life. Your friendship means a great deal to me. Obviously I want to respect your relationship, but I would hope we can remain friends. I want you to be happy, even if it is not with me. If you don't think we can accomplish a friendship, let me know and I'll back off. If that's the case I wish you nothing but the best, thank you for all the good times and countless memories.

As the days pass on the thought of sending it to him becomes even more intense. It's 10pm and I'm currently laying in bed staring at my ceiling.

Fuck it.

I jump up, take a picture of the handwritten letter, and press send with no regard to what possible consequences there may be.

To my surprise, his contact appears on my phone fifteen minutes later.

I'm the first to speak, "hi."

"Hey, can we talk?" And we do, for thirty minutes.

I left that conversation feeling satisfied.

A couple days later I am confident that Grayson and I can hang out in a group setting without any tension.

Eva has been begging for a reason to go out with Elias again. Me being the matchmaker that I am, I start a group chat with us three and add Jaxon, Brynn, and Grayson. The six of us have been out when things were good between Grayson and I, tonight should be no different.

It takes a little convincing, but miraculously all six of us agree to a time and place to meet up.

When we show up at one of the local elementary schools in town, we all exit our cars and head to the playground. Everybody knows he ended things, thankfully no one acknowledges it though.

The night is filled with a lot of laughing - it's refreshing.

Brynn, Eva and I spend a majority of our time on the swingset. Grayson keeps his distance from me, but that's expected. Until he challenges me to a race - first one to get to the top of the tallest slide in any manner they choose wins.

We line up, and as Brynn (the mutually decided referee) yells "go" we take off. Grayson climbs up the outside of the twisty slide. I decided to go up the roped rock wall. He beats me by a meer second.

We're both smiling like idiots and completely winded. "Ladies first," he says while motioning to the slide.

Once we're both back on the ground and walking to rejoin the rest of the group, he gives me a high five.

That interaction made me feel like everything was going to be alright between us. The six of us remained together and talked until Grayson's demeanor changed. He wandered off to his car for some solitude. All I wanted to do was go check on him, but that's not my place anymore.

Just like it's not my place to make sure he gets home safe. Just like how I'm not the one he calls on his way home from work anymore. Just like I won't receive any more surprise visits, or get to enjoy his company at my house.

Lucky her.