My Broken YOU

Hard Truth

I was with him for seven years. We were twelve when it started. We vowed we would be together, forever. We seemed inseparable, and everyone in our small town knew we were the 'it' couple.

There was this profound sense of warmth inside of me when I was around him. I couldn't be without him. The way he would run his thumb  across my cheek, creating that damn smile on my face, and a shiver throughout my body! It was magical. It didn't matter if we spent an entire day together. The next morning when he'd show up, my heart would skip.

Then I went to college, and he stayed back home. We tried making the relationship work, but it was hard... Why wouldn't it be hard? He was on the West Coast while I was on the East Coast. I still am.

The phone call was unbearable and forced me to go home for a week. His death rocked our entire town, but most importantly...it sent me into a hard stage of my life. A loss I never expected, and I feel like it is all my fault.

Suicide was something he'd never do. I knew him for way too long to know that wasn't him. But, true love can make people do things others would never expect. Regardless of what anyone else thinks, the fact that i told him I needed a break is what sent him overboard...Years of him fighting with himself, knowing we weren't together when really, I just needed to know...

I wanted to marry him someday. He didn't see it. I should have kept my mouth shut. We are already on some form of a break for the past two years. I'd go home during holidays and see him, but other than that, i had free reign of my life. And then I called it off completely.

The worst part is that my break from him was to experience college life at its fullest. I didn't want to cheat on him, hurt him, and hell! I had no intention of ever hooking up with anyone on campus...I think... And that's not me. But I needed that closure for myself, knowing I was single and had the options available to me.  

Everything was so conflicting. Because part of me wanted to be with him, but the other part did want to experience college life, including meeting new people. I think deep down he figured our break was permanent but I didn't think it was.

My parents didn't believe we were in love. They say when I left, Jared changed. My dad kept tabs on him the first year I was gone and swore Jared was seeing another girl. Dad couldn't prove it, but he did take pictures.

Dad wasn't wrong. But it wasn't proof that Jared was cheating. Dad got a couple of pictures with Jared and Rebecca. Rebecca went to high school with us and always had this attraction to Jared. She knew I had him and she wanted what I had.

The pictures Dad took were harmless. Pictures of them eating at the local restaurant or talking in a park. I think it's a little stalker-ish of what my dad did. But then it all stopped. Jared stopped hanging around Rebecca according to Dad. But then the problems started. Jared started texting and calling me more than he ever had. His tone always sounded urgent and impatient when we talked. It's like he needed me to be his savior and i couldn't. 

If he cheated, I would never know. If he lost his virginity to her I will never know. But what I do know is that the last phone call we had changed my path forever. Jared's death made it where I plan on living here instead of going back home. There's nothing back home anymore except my parents, but they even helped convince me to stay in Providence, or at least around this area. 

Even though Jared was against me ever going, Brown University has taught me that my hard work throughout high school did pay off. I spent endless nights and long days working toward getting the opportunity to go to this school and my father made sure to help pay for as much as he could with the limited money we had. I was able to win several scholarships, and the university itself thought very highly of me. But again, it's because of how hard I worked.

My best friend Ava stood by my side this entire time all my pain poured out of me. It's been an entire summer, but the healing seems like it's still stuck there like the last little bit of a scab, or maybe a permanent scar.

Either way...It's my last year in college and I need to explore. I need to have fun. I need to live my life. Even though we were separated and I wanted to explore, he was still a huge part of my life. Ava says I need to let that part of my life die along with him and become someone new. Maybe I will finally lose my virginity. Maybe I will party a little more. Maybe I will become a little rebellious. Maybe find another broken person to fix?