1437 - I Love You Forever

52.

"Selamat malam, Den."

A middle-aged woman greeted me when I opened the ivory-white door in front of me. I returned her greeting with my most sincere smile.

Yes. This was the first time I came back to my house in Menteng after living in an apartment with Giandra

"Mas?" Mama quickly hugged me as she briskly came out of the dining room. "Why didn't you say you wanted to go home?"

I just smiled.

"Have you eaten?"

I shook my head and got a frown from her.

"Let's eat first."

"I'll clean up first, Ma."

She nodded before letting me into the room. It felt like it'd been a long time since I visited my room.

I took my time getting to the bathroom and thoroughly washed myself. Changing my clothes and headed to the dining room. I could see Ayah, Mama, and Agni, who were still busy with their food.

"Makan dulu, Nak." Ayah gave me the loveliest smile as he welcomed me and asked me to sit down.

I nodded and took a bite of Mama's cooking. There was no conversation between us because that was the habit in this house. Only the tinkling of the cutlery and the porcelain plate could be heard in this room, complete with the soft strains of jazz music playing from Ayah's vinyl. I never thought I would miss this kind of atmosphere either.

"Why are you going home?"

I gasped and turned to my side. "Hah?"

"Why are you going home?" Agni rephrased her question as she placed down her cutlery. Her meal was already finished.

"Because this is my house?" I asked back while furrowing my brow.

"Not because you want to run away from your problems?" She looked at me sharply. Gave me an unfavorable glare.

"What kind of problem?"

"Agni, don't be like that." Mama held my half-sister's hand carefully. Trying to pacify her.

"Mas. Akutuh udah gede. I assume you didn't want to encounter Mbak Andra, which is why you returned home. You don't want to go back to the apartment since you might still be able to recall when Padma kissed her."

"Agni!"

I could hear Mama shrieking.

"Mau lari terus?"

I hastily slammed my cutlery when I heard another sneer from her mouth.

"Emang kamu kalau lihat Wimar dicium orang lain kamu nggak marah?"

"Marah lah! Tapi aku tetep mau dengar alasannya dia apa. Aku akan marah tapi aku akan berbesar hati buat menghadapi masalah itu."

The girl who I had always thought of as my younger sister threw a critical glance at me.

"If it can be discussed and the relationship continues, why not try to resolve it? If it can't be continued, it still has to be discussed. Kenapa lari? Butuh waktu? Butuh sendiri dulu?" She pastered me with a lot of questions, and no one stopped her. Not even Ayah.

"Dek.."

"Mas, listen. Falling in love is when a person has a fateful encounter with another person; it isn't based on logic. So take time to quit being a man of science. You shouldn't casually date a girl you don't even intend to protect!"

I had argued with her constantly throughout my life, but this time I was speechless and didn't have the words to counter her.

"But I'm jealous..."

She stomped her feet in annoyance. Until Mama got up from her seat and calmed her daughter.

"It's natural to be jealous! You guys like each other. The fact that you don't want to hear your partner out is wrong. Have you ever witnessed Mama and Ayah fighting and failing to properly discuss it? Emosi pasti ada Mas, tapi harusnya kamu tahu cara.. Ah, never mind." I could see tears welling up in her eyes before she left. "It's up to you, Mas."

I saw her grumpily enter her room.

Mama, who was sitting across from me, looked at me with pity.

"Maafin adekmu ya, Nak."

I just nodded in response to her words. What Agni said was also accurate in certain ways. Sometimes I felt that what I was doing right now was just an attempt to run away.

"Gad. Meet me in my study after you eat, okay?" Ayah gently wiped his mouth. He had a sip of water before rising from his chair and making his way to his study.

I looked at Mama. She just shrugged her shoulders. It seems like she didn't know anything about what he was thinking.

I took a deep breath before feeling her warm hand.

"All is well, Mas."

*****

The last time I entered Ayah's study was about 10 years ago, when I was whining about wanting to be a doctor. For some reason, despite the fact that Ayah was a doctor, he didn't feel compelled to raise his kid to be a medical professional. Unexpectedly, it was me who complained and expressed my desire to work as a doctor.

The room was still the same as before. I kind of missed the stacks of books, dim lighting, and the combination of the smell of old paper and wood.

"What do you want to talk about, Yah?" I started the conversation. We sat facing each other and were silent for nearly ten minutes. The only thing filling the void was the faint noise of old tunes from his vinyl.

"There's nothing important. All I want to do is talk to you." He occasionally adjusted his glasses and smiled. "I've heard about Giandra and you. About what the son of Mr. Sanjaya did to her."

I clenched my fists tightly when Ayah said Padma's family name.

Padma Gaurish Sanjaya.

The name I detest the most at the moment.

"Maafin adek kamu ya. She is used to venting her emotions and what is upsetting her. She always finds a way to express her grievances." He gave me a careful look. "She's different from you, Jagad."

Almost everyone who knew Agni and me didn't think we weren't siblings, despite the fact that we are half-siblings because of how close we were. But there was something that, according to Ayah, made us different.

Due to the fact that her parents' divorce left her family in shambles, Agni was more blunt while expressing her thoughts.

"Just like what I said. Your mother died when you were little. You live in circumstances that make you mature faster. You find it hard to convey your thoughts because you are my only child, and there are two new women in this family who are not directly under your care. Plus, the trauma of being left by your mother at a young age drives you to strive to make other people happy by living up to any expectations you may have set for them." He stroked my hand gently. "But there is one thing that makes it seem like you and Agni are destined to be siblings."

I looked into his eyes, which were getting older.

"You are both afraid of losing the person you love most."

I gulped.

"Maybe right now, you don't want to lose Giandra. But you don't know how to convey that and veer away from her. Even though it should be, as your sister said, it could be discussed carefully."

He took a deep breath before taking off his glasses.

"Whatever your decision, don't go down a path that actually only saves you, Nak. Running away from people is the same as hurting them because you simply don't want to face the reality that is right in front of you."

No words came out of my mouth in response to his words.

"And it's the same as you being wrong like them."