1437 - I Love You Forever

53.

"Ibu, seperti yang saya jelaskan, ibu mengalami keadaan yang tidak semua orang mengalami di payudaranya. Keadaan ini disebut 'dense breast'. Ini adalah keadaan dimana payudara anda memiliki lebih sedikit jaringan lemak dan memiliki lebih banyak jaringan non-lemak seperti fibrosa, glandular, dan jaringan lain. Dengan kata lain, tumor atau kanker sedikit lebih sulit dideteksi karena gambaran kanker dan jaringan payudara non lemak sama-sama putih di hasil mammografi."

The middle-aged woman in front of me looked at me with disbelief. Her eyes widened before finally closing briefly. She then shook her head, a sign that she was half in disbelief and half incomprehension.

"Tidak pernah ada yang menginfokan ini kepada saya selain Dokter Jagad." She stopped talking for a moment. "Saya perlu memahami apa yang barusan dokter sampaikan."

I handed over her mammography results, which I and Bria checked several times.

"Di hasil ini bisa dilihat." I pointed to the full white part of the mammography results. "Bagian ini yang membuat saya yakin payudara ibu memiliki dense breast."

I looked at her with a lot of worry.

"Saya, sudah pernah kehilangan satu payudara saya." She looked at me sharply. "Saya tidak mau mengalami hal itu lagi."

There was a stressful atmosphere in my examination room. I also couldn't blame what was going on in her mind because having a disease like cancer made you give up your body—especially for women and their breasts. It was very frustrating.

"Saya pikir kalau saya istirahat cukup dan rutin mamografi, saya akan baik-baik saja." She massaged her temples slowly. "Saya pikir kalau saya rutin check-up sesuai waktu yang ditentukan, semuanya akan baik-baik saja. TAPI KENAPA TIDAK ADA YANG MENGINFOKAN HAL SEPENTING ITU PADA SAYA?"

There was deep despair and sadness in her voice, and I understood that.

"I don't think I can even hope to give you a satisfactory explanation." I held her hand and rubbed it slowly. "Apa yang ibu alami sekarang benar-benar di luar kendali saya. It pains me too. Bahkan orang yang relatif muda, berumur 20 sampai 40 tahun pun juga banyak yang mengidap penyakit ini. Saya juga banyak mengalami hal yang kurang mengenakkan karena keterlambatan deteksi pada penyakit ini."

I could feel my grip tighten. As if I were strengthening the patient in front of me and also myself.

"Bukannya tidak adil bu?"

She looked at me with a confused look.

"Wanita bisa terkena kanker payudara hanya karena mereka terlahir sebagai wanita." I smiled. More because I felt guilty. "Sorry, I know that it's. No consolation for you at all."

She shook her head. "Harusnya saya yang minta maaf." She said it quietly as she pulled her hand from my grasp.

"Setelah melihat hasil mammografi terakhir, kita tidak bisa mengabaikan kemungkinan ada hal yang tersembunyi di jaringan payudara ibu."

She looked at me closely.

"Setelah saya tahu, kalau saya sakit, saya menenggelamkan diri sendiri dalam pekerjaan. Itulah satu-satunya hal yang membuat saya merasa seperti diri sendiri. Tapi saya tidak bisa berhenti merasa minder dengan tubuh saya, apa pun yang terjadi."

She smiled bitterly.

"Saya berpisah dengan suami saya, though he always tried to console me and told me we're lucky that I am even alive."

I could see tears dripping down her cheeks.

"It's too painful for me to be with him. It's agonising. Tapi setelah saya pikir kembali, Itu hanya keegoisan saya saja. Saya yang sebenarnya tidak mau melihat bagaimana sudut pandang dari dia. I don't want to get hurt."

I groaned. It felt like I was being forced to remember what was happening to me.

I haven't had time to finish the things that were running through my mind. That middle-aged woman got up from her seat. "Saya pamit dulu, dokter."

"Ibu, saya mohon mari periksa payudara ibu dengan USG." I could tell how desperate I sounded. But she still didn't budge. Remaining in her stance before finally leaving my examination room.

God..

*****

I took off my jacket and put it in the basket when I just entered my room. I stared at the reflection of my face in the mirror. For some reason, my face didn't look enthusiastic. The puffy bags were clearly visible under my eyes.

My hand slowly rubbed my face, remembering the last time I responded to a chat from Giandra. I really missed her, and suddenly I remembered what my patient said this afternoon.

'..Saya yang sebenarnya tidak mau melihat bagaimana sudut pandang dari dia. I don't want to get hurt..'

It felt like I just realized that I was the one who didn't seem to have the courage to face reality. Actually, I was the one who didn't want to get hurt. And because I didn't want to get hurt, I ended up hurting other people. And unfortunately, this person was the one I loved the most.

Without realizing it, tears dripped down my cheeks.

The thought of Giandra's tear-streaked cheeks made a lump form in my throat; her eyes were swollen and her lips red from how hard she held her tears by biting deep into them a few days ago.

Destruction.

It was all I felt from the whole world right now. There was no room for love here, not when my world had turned so dramatically on its axis that I was not sure where I was anymore. My throat was raw, shredded by the guttural wails that surround me.

I couldn't stop crying; it hurt me too much.

Fuck.

They said that falling in love and having that person by your side forever was worthwhile, but that isn't the case. It was funny, really, that I didn't realize just how big her part in my life was. Before we were strangers, then we were friends, and maybe we were lovers, but it never really occurred to either of us that we could ever be nothing at all.

But well, it could happen in a blink of an eye.

I planted a kiss on the shirt I was wearing right now. The same shirt that she wore last time. Letting the scent of my beloved girl roam inside my nose. It was the last epiphany I wanted to have while I was here, in agony.

This night, the bed was cold, and the pitter-patter grew louder than before. The misery inside me tried to escape through my throat, and I collapsed into the hardwood floor. I couldn't stand the pain anymore and pressed the heels of my hands into my eyes.

Sobbed.

The rain that usually made me remember the warm feeling I got from Giandra now gave me an extraordinary cold feeling.

"I hate rain."

*****

..The night is growing deeper
Promises that I can't forget
Your warm embrace, goodbye
When it rains, the memories fall down and the pain spreads
I look at you that starts pouring out
Then I freeze in the times that are so clear, as I am wet with the memories
Then I draw out the beautiful you in the rain..