1437 - I Love You Forever

59.

It had been three days since I came to my house to meet my mother, and Jagad introduced me to his mother. I still remembered how we both cried at the cemetery complex and came home with swollen eyes. I even had to compress my eyes all day because I cried for too long.

After crying for so long and realizing that my emotions for Jagad were completely my feelings for him, I was slowly able to let go of Bentala. That didn't mean I'd stopped loving him, but I felt like my time with him was frozen when we were last together, and my love should have continued to develop at that time. My love for him shouldn't be the one that makes me suffer, just like Bria said. The love I had should be my source of happiness.

Happiness that was only mine, and that enabled me to take pleasure in everything wonderful in my life. From things that had a big impact to simple things like this morning when I saw Jagad still fast asleep on his day off, I recalled how last night he returned home from the hospital looking exhausted after many surgeries.

Today, I gave him a little extra time to enjoy his sleep. The heat of his breath on my arm as he sleeps is my world personified.

I buttoned my shirt, tied my hair, and went into the kitchen. Pouring myself some coffee to help me stay sane. I made fun of myself. I've had multiple relationships with men, but this time I had to increase my coffee dose because I was too sad or too happy. These two contradictory things really made me lose focus. Everything was because of Jagad. I never thought that his existence would be so big for me.

Bigger than Bentala.

I walked slowly back to the room. Still found Jagad curled up in the blanket. I kissed his temple briefly. Letting the scent of my coffee on the nightstand fill the room.

"Good morning, sayang."

I could see the dark eyes in front of me suddenly open wide.

"What did you say?"

"Good morning, sayang."

I could see a faint smile curving on his lips before he buried his face in my chest.

"Good morning too, sayang."

I chuckled at his timid yet joyful response.

"You look happy."

"No." He planted a kiss on my lips. "But I'm really happy."

As long as I had known men, no one had ever loved me as much as Bentala loved me. But with Jagad, he lavished me with his soft silk fabrics. He touched my hair tenderly with his fingers. In the darkness, he let me close my eyes and softly blot out everything that might otherwise make me uncomfortable. Telling me in a whisper that I was his only one. Sending his warm breath down my neck as he muttered sweet, beautiful phrases.

I remember when we had a fight. The past two weeks seemed too long to me. I missed his lips smacking mine; I missed the feel of his hands on my skin; and being without him was just too wrong.

"Thank you."

He looked at me with a confused look. "What for?"

I shook my head. "I feel so safe when you're holding me, like I can breathe your scent for hours."

He gave me a hearty laugh. "Why are you being this mellow?"

I laughed too before stroking his cheek. "I don't know; since I met you, I've become mellow easily. It's like I could write lines of love poetry."

He looked at me. There was an amused look in his eyes, but the smile wouldn't leave his lips. I kissed him slowly, and I could feel the tightness in my chest as my happiness surged.

Loving him was like the smell of the rain. Fresh and life-giving. Delightful drops cascading over petals. Thriving in the spring. I couldn't breathe into my chest how much I loved him. Overwhelmed and afraid. Because it was so good, I fret.

Loving him was the depth of the sea. Huge enough for its own. Thought was more than reality.

"Gad, your love for me seems bigger than this world. And for me, the most exquisite, dreadful, and vast thing is loving you. Unfathomable, astounding, and profound gift that I could never have imagined receiving. Let alone deserving." I brushed his cheek gently. "Loving you is absolute magic because you are absolutely magical."

"Gi." His face looked incredulous. "Oh Lord. Can you repeat what you just said?"

I could see his eyes were wet.

I smiled. Showing my teeth. "Nggak ada siaran ulang."

"God, Giandra." He hugged me tighter and gave warmth that I didn't know I had since I always missed it.

"I love you softly, since my heart is still a little wounded from previous loves whose storms built up inside of me. It burned me. And it wasn't what I wanted. I have experienced suffering and the cruelty that love may bring. Since I fear it won't last." I hugged him tighter. Exchanged the heartbeats we have. "But it feels different to love you. Loving you is an ongoing process that has no end in sight. Still, we carry it out. We push ourselves forward and make sacrifices for the one who matters most to you, no matter what."

I pushed his body and saw his face, which somehow started to get wet with tears. It was kind of cute that love spilled out of him in the form of words, tears, and laughter.

"Right?" I asked with a smile on my lips.

He nodded as he confirmed my question.

"Gad, I am happy that you love me, and there's not much more I wish to ask." I could feel his heart racing, and a soft pink color brushed his face. "I love you; I really do."

He pressed my palm to his face, kissed it, and held it firmly. I could see his shoulders sway, and I heard sobs welling up in his throat.

"I love you, too, Giandra. I love you so much."

I laughed softly.

"But remember, Gad, you had no idea what you were getting yourself into or what you were falling in love with. I still wonder how you do it from time to time. You have put up with my stupidity, my selfishness, and my insanity, and you still do."

"I can accept anything if it's for you."

"Gombal."

"Nggak!"

I was surprised when he reflexively screamed before laughing out loud.

He clicked his tongue in annoyance.

"You remember when you talked nonsense about how you couldn't iron clothes, or how you often forgot to cook vegetables and let them wilt, and even talked nonsense about the wound on your knee?"

I nodded.

"Even when you talk nonsense like that, I still love you." He looked at me closely. "So don't ever underestimate my feelings for you, Gi." He took a short breath. "You must have heard from Haira or Jendra how I always act perfectly and try to meet everyone's expectations. How it all ends up affecting how I feel towards other people."

I just looked at him. Giving him as much time and space as possible to talk. Telling out what was in his head.

"The time I thought it was for the best, things don't always work out. But you were there to support me and give me the courage to be who I am. To continue living with my beliefs. You even asked me to be a little selfish and think about myself. I never imagined that I could come up with perspectives like these. So thank you for making me do things where I have myself in mind."

"Gad, please look at me." I cupped my hands on his cheeks. "You have to take care of yourself before anything else. You are very valuable to me too, so I beg you not to hurt yourself again. You are also human; you can be hurt, you can be sad, and most importantly, I want you to be happy."

Dear God..

I held his hand before bringing it closer to my face, rubbing my cheek in his palm, and looking at his face closely.

I want to live happily with this man.

"You understand the emotions of others. You also understand my pain. Now, I want me to understand everything about you."

That's something You can grant, right?