Autumn of May

CHAPTER 42: Doubtful Thoughts

Nikka slowly push the wheelchair towards my room. Nabigla ako dahil bigla itong huminto kaya napatingin ako sa kaniya. "Anong problema Nikka?" Nagbuntong hininga si Nikka at pumunta sa harapan ko. "Abbi, I don't want to argue with you but hindi ko talaga maintindihan kung bakit...." I cut her off. "Kung bakit hindi ko sinagot si Xavier?" Nagbuntong hininga ulit siya.

"Nikka, I can't give her the future that he wants" Nikka look at me seriously as if she's kind of angry dahil sa negativity ko. "Sumusuko ka na ba Abbi?" Hindi ako nakaimik sa sinabi niya. Hindi ako sumusuko but I know na hahantung lang ang lahat sa pagpapaalam. "I'm not giving up" I shortly replied. "Then why are you acting as if you're already giving up?" She responded.

"Nikka, I don't want to give Xavier high hopes. I don't want to be selfish, na iisipin ko lamang ang sarili kong kasiyahan. I don't want Xavier to suffer afterwards" I said to her. "Abbi, Xavier is someone who don't rush with his decisions. Before proposing to you, iniisip niya din iyon. He's smart and I know he think about that and the consequences thereafter. You should know that too because you know Xavier better than anyone" hindi ako nakaimik sa sinabi ni Nikka. She's right, Xavier was never rush on his decisions.

"Nikka, natatakot lang ako. I'm afraid baka dumating ang araw na iiwan ko din siya" Nikka move closer to me and give me a hug. "You know Abbi, you shouldn't worry about the future. You should cherish what you have today. Ano man ang mangyari bukas o sa mga susunod na araw, make sure today you have did something that makes you happy and that you don't have any regrets" I sighed so she tightened the hug.

"So, go rest for a while and think about it again" I slowly nod kaya Nikka continue to push my wheelchair papasok sa room ko. Everyone was still outside, they're still packing things up and probably, nagpahangin muna si Xavier somewhere else. Biglang bumukas ang pintuan at nagulat ako ng pumasok dito si Xavier. He's seriously looking at me. He walked closer to my bed at dahan dahan na umupo sa upuan katabi ng kama ko. He never speak a word. Nagtinginan lang kaming dalawa. He's very serious and he's looking at me as if he's figuring out what's on my mind.

"Xav..." I started to speak but he put his fingers on my mouth to shut me up. "Shhhh.." he said. He caressed my hair slowly and I can feel the longing in his eyes. "I can't figure out what your little mind is thinking" he spoke. He continue to caress my hair. I remember the day we first met, hindi ko inaakala na I will know him better and we will be involve into a romantic relationship.

He move closer to me. He move his face closer to mine and he seriously look into my lips. He touched my lips and smile a little bit. "Can I kiss you?" He said while still looking at my lips. Hindi ako nakaimik. Why is he doing this? I slowly push him away but he continue moving his face towards mine and then he kiss my lips. Not the typical kiss that he always give me, but this time he's very aggressive. He move his hands towards my back and pull me closer to him. I wanted to speak but I can't because he's kissing me hardly.

After realizing about what he did to me, he breaks the kiss and looks at me as if he's super thirsty. "Xavier..." I slowly speak. "I'm sorry" he shortly replied at yumuko siya. "I'm sorry, I can't stop myself" he said. Natahimik ulit ang silid. Hindi kami umimik and then suddenly, he speak. "Just take the treatment" he said. Hindi ako umimik at tumingin lang ako sa kaniya. "Just take the treatment even that you've rejected my proposal" he looks at me at nagtama ang paningin namin.

"Xavier..." he cut me again. "Just take the treatment and that's my last request" he said at tumayo kaagad ito. He straightened his suit, look at me again and exited the room. Nagbuntong hininga ako. I rejected his marriage proposal and here he is again, urging me to take the surgery even that our relationship is kind of shaky right now.

Bumukas ulit ang pintuan at pumasok si Nikka na may dalang pagkain. "What happened? Bakit parang ang seryoso ng mukha ni Xavier?" She said habang nilalapag ang pagkain sa mesa. "Hindi ko na alam Nikka" I replied to her. "What did he said to you? Anong pinag-usapan niyo?" I look at her at umupo siya sa tabi ko. "He wanted me to take the surgery"

"And then? That was really the original plan Abbi. He's working hard about that ever since he know your condition" Nikka said while peeling some apple for me. "Kaya nga Nikka, I rejected his proposal but he still want me to take that treatment na pinaghirapan niyang eh arrange" I explained to her.

"That's what I'm talking about girl. She's d*mn serious about you and here you are having double thoughts about him" Nikka said while she give me a sliced apple. Kinain ko ito. "Nakokonsensiya ako Nikka" I said habang ningunguya ang apple. "You should talk to him, Abbi" nagbuntong hininga ako. I don't know if I'm having the right decisions now. I don't want na bad terms kami ni Xavier while I'm at the cliff of my life but I don't want also to give him the hopes. I don't want to tight him up on this marriage na walang kasiguraduhan. I want him to be free, especially in the future. I don't want him na magsusuffer dahil sa pagkawala ko. I want him to be happy not to be chained on our marriage and endure all the pain that I will be leaving him.

"I know you're being doubtful Abbi, I'm sure you are.  But let yourself, your heart choose what it wants before you regret anything" she added. Mahina niya akong inalalayan patayo and she put me to bed. "I need to sleep Nikka" I said to her kasi nakaramdam ako ng pagod dahil sa ginawa namin kanina. It was quite stressful on my heart dahil sobrang emotional ng nangyari kanina kaya I wanted to rest. She smiled at me and tuck me in the bed. "You know Abbi, we love you so much. Please fight for us" she said before she turn the lights off and lumabas sa silid ko. Nakaramdam ako ng bigat sa aking katawan and so I slowly close my eyes and sleep.