Autumn of May

Chapter 45: Shattered

I woke up with a soft touch on my face. It's a sunny morning. I slowly opened my eyes and saw her smiling at me. Everything is so bizarre, so mystical. "Xav, kain kana" she said in a very soft voice. I stood up and followed her as she took the staircase down to their kitchen. A very familiar vibe, a very comfortable scenario. She distributed the plates on the table and smiled at me as she handed me one of the plates that she carry. "Abbi..." I slowly spoke but she didn't even bother to listen. She is just smiling there and looking at me sensibly.

I heard a loud noise kaya I opened my eyes. Suddenly, all I saw was darkness. I grab my phone at binuksan ang flashlight ko. All I saw was scattered papers on the table and some on the floor and the untouched food on the table. I was back to reality. To reality where I can really feel that I am alive but barely living. A striking pain started to appear on my heart so I hurriedly grab some papers and started working. Despite the stabbing pain, I always made myself distracted by the problems that I had in work. This is much better than feeling that intense pain that no one else in this world can heal. After some hours of working, I look at the clock and it's already 12:00 midnight. Yes, time flew that fast.

I can feel that my body and mind is tired but I can't sleep. I lay down on my bed and close my eyes but then again, all of our memories will started to appear right on my head and my heart started to feel that great pain that I avoided for days now. It hurts.so.much.like.hell. I finally understand why, it's because the situation punished me for being sinful. I've been playing with girls before and now I can taste my own poison. I deserve this.

The door crack slightly open and I saw Steve coming inside my room. He's holding a plate of food and he put it beside all the foods that I never touch. "Xav, kumain ka muna" he said in a very soft tone. I know he's trying his best to cheer me up, to comfort me but I can't blame the pain that is drowning my totality. Due to the intense pain that I feel right now, no tear could ever fall down. No more tears to cry. For all the bitterness that I have, I never had that soft spot on me to cry nor to beg for the heavens to bring her back. He close the door and I was again left with total darkness. Tumayo ako and I saw her letter. Her letter that I never tried to open.

I never opened it and don't have plan on opening it. It was a goodbye letter, I know. But no one is saying goodbye to me. She will stay here inside my heart and that will be forever.

My phone rang and I saw my dads name on the screen. I turned off the call because I know that he will be begging me to be back at the city and to manage my businesses there. He gave me back my business as well as my condo and all properties that he once taken away from me to punish me for my bad doings. Now, I am really punished more than anyone can ever imagine. My phone rang again and this time, it's Stella. I turned off my phone this time and I grab some papers again and started working.

After some minutes, Steve opened the door and handed me a glass of water. "Hindi kita pipilitin na kumain, at least just give yourself a drink" he said with full of concern. Nagulat siya when I accepted the glass and drink. He smiled and accepted the empty glass. "I know it's been super tough for you Xav, pero gusto ko lang sabihin na nandito kami para sa iyo. Don't carry this alone Xav" he said and turn his back from me at umalis sa silid.

In a minute, I can feel that my eyes started to feel weary and weak. Nakatulog ako without even noticing and when I woke up, nagulat ako dahil I found myself in my condo. I even jumped out from my bed when I saw Steve standing at my side and even Stella and my Dad. What's going on? Why am I here?

"Welcome home son" Stella said as she embraced me with her tight hug. "Why am I here?" I asked. "For the better" my dad said as he sat down on my bed. Did they just.... I remember that Steve gave me water last night and after drinking that, I fall asleep. "Did you let me drink a sleeping pill?" I asked directly to Steve but he just shrugged his shoulders. I hurriedly stood up and grab my keys and wallet but they stopped me. "Saan ka pupunta Xavier?" Steve asked. "To go back there?" Nikka asked while Xavier is busy packing his things up. "I belong there, we belong there....." I said but suddenly I stopped, I saw a beautiful thing on my side table beside my bed and it caught my attention. It's an urn, a beautiful one.

"She's here with us Xavier" Nikka softly said as I approaches near the urn and touch it. My tears started to fall. For all those time that I stop myself from crying, now, in front of everyone else, my tears are pouring. I let pain and longing all out and cried until I can only hear my heart beats. Nikka started to cry too. I feel Stella's hand touching my shoulders and she cried too. After an hour of so much crying, Nikka and I decided to have a conversation at the field. We were sitting at one of those benches and we were just staring at the calm fields while the stars shine above us.

"Everything happened so fast that I can't even absorb the situation...." Nikka started to talk. She's holding the urn on her arms and gently touch the side of it. "I know how painful it is, how painful the situation was. I know more than anyone else in this world but I am trying. I am trying to heal and I am trying to live.." she paused and gazed at me. Slowly, her tears are falling from her eyes. "I hope... I hope... you too Xav. You should try living too. Because more than that, Abbi wants that" I never respond to her. I just allow her to speak whatever her heart wants.

"Let's allow Abbi to take her path happily Xav and let's start accepting the fact that we need to let her go" and that hits me hard. I've been holding her up and even in the last moment of her life, I've been holding her up. "Let's not stop her from going to where she should go and where she would be happy. We should let her go Xav, we should" she continue to speak, creating words while fighting for the rush of her tears. I slowly reach my hands to the urn that she is holding. I hugged the urn tightly and after taking a breath, I stand and walk towards the field. A memorable one. My mom and Abbi's mom were here before even without us knowing and they had that special friendship that even lead me and Abbi to realize that we are fated to met even for a short period of time.

We never knew, that my mom and her mom were both murdered at the Cafe. The cafe that Abbi and I worked so hard to revive. Now, she should be with my mom and most importantly, she is now with her mom. Without pain, without struggling. I can see that the three of us, the woman that I always loved ever since I was a kid, the woman that I love for the rest of my life and the woman that she loved, they're happy together somewhere.

I gently opened the lid of the urn her delicate ashes welcomed me. "Yes, you're right Nikka. We should let her go. I should let her go" I said and I gently put my hands inside the urn and spread her ashes on the field. For the last time, I cried bitterly and for the last time I let out all the pain. I'm making sure that next time, it won't be tears of bitterness but instead tears of happiness realizing that Abbi will never be too far away from me and I know that she will be here with me always. "You're free now, my love" I said as the wind takes her ashes somewhere where surely she'll be happy and free.