Unlocking the Powers of my Subconscious Mind

Day 93 - Christmas Eve🥺

I was constantly imagining this day with multiple good events that could possibly occur. It didn't go as planned, but it went much better.
 
Everything went perfect except my stupid brain. Our journey is about to end, and I should give closure to everything, but I can't do it. Life is so messed up that this feels like a start instead of an end. Some people may accept this as the end, but I can't. I don't like sad endings.

If it's not a happy ending, then it's not the ending. - I read this somewhere.

So I should be happy to bring closure to my life and also to this journal. But happiness cannot be obtained at any cost. It's just a weird sensation that occurs to us at random moments.

Today I had so many reasons to be happy. I got two wonderful gifts from my two secret Santas. I love it so much, and I will have it forever.

I also played train of thought with my cousin, which also went pretty well.

But today there were many moments when my throat got stuck with drops of tears that were rushing to my eyes. My throat is aching, and so is my heart.

If you ask for a reason, I am not sure.

For the second time in my life, I am running out of money. It sucks. I really wanted to buy something today that I couldn't afford. I asked my mom for money and got it secretively. Maybe it's a matter of prestige for this zero-earning, jobless person. But the act of asking my mom for something was noticed by my uncle, and he asked what it was. I told him that I was asking for money and that I was in a poor state. I usually tell everything in a joke tone, but still, he said something to motivate me. But tears started to rush out because of my miserable state. Nobody's noticing my feelings, and that too hurts sometimes.

Then I played train of thought, during which I heard some crazy answers from my cousins. They shared their sad moments, and that's messing with my mind. I won't accept that I felt bad for them. But the tears that I was trying to lock down kept trying to spill out.

Such a mood-off day. I don't know the exact reason, but maybe Christmas without earning a single penny is hurting my ego.

I have thousands of reasons to be happy. I am always surplus. I can ask for money whenever I want. My parents are so kind, and they'll support me no matter what, and I know that.

But sometimes I am looking for myself to support me and not anybody else.

I couldn't do that, and that inability of mine is hurting me in all ways possible.

I'm still a human with mood swings.

Bye byee

-AramintaFlores✨
(Dec. 24, 2023)

Going to sleep at 2.43 a.m.