Daddy Issues

70 - A risk

I immediately regret everything I said. How could I be so mean to him? Call him a coward just because he doesn't want to be with me. It's not like he owes me anything.

But at the same time, he did beg me to take him back into my life. So I did. And it's been impossible to move on since then. He has to know that. I haven't made that much effort to hide my feelings.

Maybe Yuki was right and this friendship isn't right for us. But just thinking that hurts. I don't want to lose him.

I'm still on my bed when he comes back into the room about half an hour later. I don't want to look too pathetic, so I pull up my knees and lean my back against the head rest behind me.

I'm afraid to say anything, worried I'll say something I'll regret again. I don't want to hurt him. Or make him angry.

So I watch in silence as he walks back into the room and sinks down on his bed to face me. He's about to say something, but then I realize that I'm more scared of what he might say than anything I could say, so I cut him short.

'I'm sorry,' I say. 'I shouldn't have said those things, I was a bitch. I'm sorry.'

Dan looks at me, his eyes tired. His fingers dig into the covers of his bed and I notice that he's got no shoes on. Did he just wander about the motel in his bare feet? It makes me feel even worse.

'You're not a coward,' I stammer softly.

'No,' Dan sighs. 'I am. You were right.'

'What? No, really, Dan, I was just being an idiot.'

'No, you were right,' he says again. 'I am scared to take risks. But you gotta understand, Emma... I thought I was done. Eight years ago, I had a wife that I loved, a wonderful daughter... There were challenges, sure, but I loved my life. And then I lost it all.'

I swallow and hold on to my knees a little tighter. I feel terrible. I didn't even think about it like that. Of course it's harder to take risks when you've already lost so much.

'I moved away and built a new life for myself. It wasn't easy, you know. And it may not be perfect. I don't love my job, no. And I've been in relationships with women that I didn't truly love for too long and that's probably not fair to them or to myself, but... It took so much work to build myself back up to where I am now. Taking a risk like that... A risk like you. I'm afraid it might break me again.'

'Dan,' I say softly. I turn to swing my legs over the edge of the bed so I can face him better. With the minimal space between our beds, our knees are almost touching.

'I understand. I'm so sorry I got angry at you. Of course it's scary. I wouldn't ever want to hurt you.'

I reach out to hold his hand and I'm glad to see he lets me. He even smiles at me a little. Though it looks sad.

'But the thing is, since I met you, I feel like taking risks seem a little less scary sometimes now. Like letting you read that book. I've never told anybody else.'

'You should,' I say adamantly. He smiles.

'You make me feel a lot of things I haven't felt in a long time,' he says softly.

'You make me feel things I've never felt before.'

He chuckles a little and lets his head drop for a moment. When he looks back at me again, it feels all the more intense.

'I missed you so much when I left,' he tells me. 'I knew it would have been better to leave you alone, but I needed you back in my life.'

'I like having you in my life too.'