Daddy Issues

71 - Is that what you want?

Dan has wandered through the room in his underwear while I was gone, so I find him pacing around in front of the window. The sight of it makes me chuckle a little. He runs his hand through his hair when I come through the door and smiles back at me.

Clearly, the interlude has given him some space to get more nervous about this too. He seems a little unsure about what to do now, so he takes a few steps in my direction, but then stops and keeps his distance.

I take the condoms out of my pocket and throw the box onto the bed.

'Ten pieces,' I say, leaning back against the door. 'I hope your stamina hasn't diminished with age.'

Dan laughs and the joke seems to have made him comfortable enough to walk over to me. He puts his hands on either side of me, trapping me against the door. It makes me catch my breath.

'Don't you worry about that.'

Again, it feels so good when he kisses me. I reach for his shoulders and pull him closer while he opens my lips and slides in his tongue. I want this. So badly. But I can't get those thoughts out of my head now.

'Are you alright?' Dan asks suddenly, giving me some space to breathe. He must have noticed the change in me since I came back into the room.

I know I can tell him anything. But honestly, the last thing I want to mention right now is my mother. It will make everything weird. But mention her or not, I'm already thinking about her. And that doesn't exactly help to get in the right state of mind.

But what if mentioning her will make Dan want to stop this altogether? I don't want that either. I've wanted this for so long now. And it feels so good. Ugh, why does she have to ruin everything?

Dan keeps looking at me questioningly. After everything, I think he deserves to know what goes on in my head. He knows my head isn't in it right now anyway. That may not matter to some guys, but it matters to Dan.

'I don't want this to be just a one-time-thing,' I say softly, looking down at his lips that are still so close.

'Good,' he smiles. 'Me neither.'

I smile too, but I know I must still look nervous when I look at him, because his face quickly sobers up again.

'What is it?'

'If we're together, people will know, right? Honestly, I don't really care if everyone has an opinion about it.'

That's not entirely true. I care what Mel thinks. I already know that it's going to suck that she won't like it. But I'm sure we can work through it.

'But she,' I say, putting enough emphasis on the word that he'll know who I mean without actually having to mention her.

'She'll never forgive me. She'll kick me out of the house and never speak to me again. I won't have any parents anymore.'

I hate that my voice breaks a little on that last sentence. I haven't really had parents for a long time, to be honest. I haven't heard from my dad in years and haven't received any kind of affection from my mother for just as long. But to make it all so final...

And that's not even considering the practical parts. I know she's already eager to get me out of the house. And I'd love a place for myself as well. But I can't afford it yet. Mel would probably take me for a while but I don't want to do that to her. Dan might let me stay with him, because he certainly wouldn't let me stay on the streets. But even though I love being with him as much as possible, I don't know if that's healthy in a fresh relationship. I'd never ask it of him, anyway.

'I know,' he says softly. He brings his hand to my face and gently caresses my cheek. There's so much comfort even in such a simple gesture.

'I know, baby.'