I'll Be Fine (pt. 2 of 2)

years go by so soon.

at 10 years old
i look into the mirror, with mystified wonder
it's you!
my small eyes stare right back
for 10 years growing
evolving slowly but surely
my legs getting longer
my head getting bigger
despite it feeling smaller
and my body soon becomes
an instrument of achievement
for my parents.
ive just become a walking display case
to show off and brag about
"HE could become president,
"HE could be an engineer,
"HE could be anything HE wanted."
not only did it feel wrong
but i felt so highly praised
when i fucked up
i felt i didn't matter
like i failed them
it hurt to know i fell below expectations
but i soon started to find myself
even through others, finding parts,
both real and fake
some made up by my mind
some the reality of my situations
and in dealing with drama, i hurt myself
i gave into desires and thoughts
and i was in pain.
i found who i really wanted to be
first not trusting it, being non binary
being scared to change, scared to go forth
not only in fear of what my parents would think
after being their beacon of goals and intelligence
what would they think of what i wanted to be
i found out i was a girl
i found out i liked boys,
girls, and everyone in between
i found out how much i really am fucked up
how tired i am
how much i don't wanna do it anymore
and despite the nights of crying,
despite the nights of dreaming up murder
despite the nights of wishing i didn't exist
despite the nights of hoping everything
was a bad dream
despite the feelings i felt
despite the abuse, emotional and physical
despite making scaring us straight the rule of the day
despite every single time i felt i would puke if i told them anything
despite the moments i wanted to run away
i look in the mirror,
and at 17, nearly 18,
planning to go to therapy after my birthday,
wanting to get away still, so desperately,
despite everything, it's still you.